i just need to get this off my chest idk why but it’s been eating at me all day since brunch. we went to that new place, the one with the mimosas and avocado toast that everyone’s always raving about. it was me, chloe, and sarah. the usual crew. we’ve been friends since college, like architecture school, you know. we used to pull all-nighters together on studio projects, dreaming about our names on big buildings. that kinda thing. but now it’s like… different. chloe was talking about her new hybrid schedule, how she only goes into the office two days a week and gets to pick up her son from school every single day. and sarah was going on about her new side hustle, making those custom pet portraits, and how she’s thinking of cutting down her hours at the firm to do that full time. they were both so HAPPY, like glowing, talking about all this extra time they have for themselves and their families. and i just sat there, nodding, trying to look interested, stirring my coffee like a maniac. i almost said it, like a million times. almost just blurted out that i’m actually gunning for a senior partner spot. like, i WANT that. i’ve been working my butt off for it, staying late, taking on extra projects, even volunteering to mentor the new interns — even though it takes up so much of my own time. i even bought a new blazer last week, a really nice one, for the partner meetings. it’s a BIG deal for me. i’m 48, my kids are grown, my folks are doing okay for themselves finally… it just feels like MY time. to really DO something with my career. but i just couldn't say it. i just smiled and said something dumb like “oh that sounds nice, more time for hobbies huh?” and chloe said “yeah, exactly! no more rat race for us!” and sarah totally agreed. and then they started talking about this yoga retreat they wanna go on in malibu next spring and i just… felt like a total alien. like i was from a different planet or something. what’s wrong with me for wanting to keep running the race? for wanting to WIN it? i just kept quiet, ate my scrambled eggs, and pretended to be really focused on finding a parking ticket in my purse. they wouldn't get it. they’d just look at me like i’m some kind of workaholic monster, or like i’m totally missing the point of life. and maybe i am? i don’t know. but right now, all i can think about is that promotion and what i need to do tomorrow to get closer to it. it’s 2:17 am. i have a review presentation at 9. gotta practice my pitch. but i needed to type this first. just needed someone to hear it. even if it’s just me and this screen.