Okay so I’m like, 32, which feels… old? for this? But I keep waking up at 2am and my brain just starts going like a hamster on a wheel and I can’t stop it. It’s usually about work, you know? Like, this huge project came up, the one I actually really wanted, but then my mom called, like, frantic because my dad fell again and she couldn’t get him up, and then my daughter got a fever—not just a little one, a full-on, gotta-miss-school-and-take-her-to-the-doctor fever—all in the same week. So obviously the work thing, the BIG THING, got pushed, again, and now I’m just constantly behind, perpetually, and I feel like my boss just looks at me like I’m… unreliable? Even though I’m literally doing the work of three people just to keep everyone ELSE’S lives on track. And I can’t complain, can I? Because these are my parents, my kids, my responsibility, my choice. And I love them, obviously. But sometimes I just feel like I’m a facilitator, you know? Not a person. And then last night I was thinking about it, like, what even *is* my identity outside of just… keeping things afloat? And it just hit me, this feeling of… cognitive dissonance? Like, I *should* feel fulfilled, right? My kids are healthy, my parents are… present, even if they’re getting older, and I have a job. But I also feel this intense, like, anhedonia sometimes. Like, nothing really brings me joy anymore. It’s just this constant state of low-level anxiety, a low hum, always. Always thinking about the next thing, the next crisis, the next school permission slip or doctor’s appointment or bill for my parents’ house. And I never get to the things I want to do. Like, I bought this online course months ago, wanted to learn something new, for *me*. And it’s just sitting there. Judging me, probably. And then I wonder, like, am I depressed? Is this just… burnout? My therapist says it’s a lot to juggle, which, yeah, obviously. But then she’ll say something like, “What would bring you joy?” And I just stare at her, because my mind literally goes blank. Like, I genuinely don’t know. I can’t even remember what that feels like. Is that… normal? To just forget how to feel good about something that isn’t related to someone else’s well-being? I just want to feel like a person again. Before all this. Before I was just… the keeper of schedules and emotional support and medical paperwork.