sitting here in the library at 2am staring at my neuroanatomy textbook and i cant stop thinking about my mom... i’m 31 and still doing this to myself chasing a phd while my life feels like it’s eroding in the background. does anyone else feel like their brain is just a giant tab of open browsers that wont close and half of them are playing music you cant find. anyway i called her tonight bc i was feeling that specific brand of guilt you get when you realize you havent been home in months and she sounded so small on the phone... like she was being filtered through a towel or something. i asked if she wanted to grab dinner at that italian place she likes in the city on friday and she said no... she literally never says no to that place. she said she’d rather stay in and watch the cooking shows specifically the one with the guy who yells about risotto. she said she just really loves the evening lineup now and prefers being cozy... she sounded like she was reading from a script i swear it was like she was trying to convince herself more than me. am i the only one whose parents have started lying about the weirdest things just to avoid being a burden. i realized later that she hasn't driven at night in over a year... she used to be the one who would drive three hours in a blizzard to see me but now she wont even go two miles for pasta. i think she’s losing her vision like her visual acuity is tanking and she’s just masking it with this weird domestic obsession. it’s like she’s using the tv as a proxy for her own failing senses... it’s such a classic case of avoidant behavior where she’s creating this narrative where she’s a homebody by choice instead of by biological necessity. it’s so much easier to say i love cake than i can’t see the road signs anymore. we talked for twenty minutes and the whole time i could hear the tv blaring in the background and i could just picture her sitting there squinting at the screen. she kept saying how vibrant the food looked but her eyes were probably just seeing colorful blurs... it makes me want to scream but i just said oh cool mom enjoy the bake off. why am i like this... why am i literally sitting here analyzing her defense mechanisms like she’s a case study in one of my clinical folders instead of just being a daughter. is anyone else terrified of the moment the role reversal becomes permanent because i am NOT ready to be the adult in the room. i’m 31 and i’m supposed to be at the peak of my career or at least have a 401k but instead i’m hiding in a library cubicle pretending i don’t know my mother is going blind. is this what being a grown up is just realizing everyone you love is lying to you to make it easier for YOU to stay away. because if she told me she couldn't see i’d have to go home and deal with it and she knows i have three finals next week and a dissertation proposal due... she’s literally sacrificing her independence so i can keep pretending my academic success matters more than her ability to see the stars. my brother thinks she’s just getting older and lazy but i see the way she squinted at the menu last christmas... she was using her phone light like it was a lifeline. i should have said something then but i didn't want to break the equilibrium... the whole fragile ecosystem of our family relies on us pretending everything is fine. i feel like i’m gaslighting myself into thinking she’s fine so i can finish this degree. am i a monster or is this just how we all survive. i keep thinking about her sitting in that dark living room with the blue light of the tv hitting her face and her just listening to the voices because she can’t see the frosting or the faces anymore. it’s this weird sensory deprivation but she’s framing it as a hobby... i hate how much i understand the psychology of it the way we preserve our ego by choosing our limitations before they choose us. if she says she PREFERS the tv then she’s still in control but if she says she’s blind then she’s a patient. sometimes i feel like i’m just waiting for the disaster to happen so i have an excuse to fail at everything else. like if she crashes her car or falls then i can finally stop trying to be this high-achieving academic and just be a person again but as long as she’s "watching her shows" i have to keep pretending i’m not drowning in student debt and existential dread. is anyone else just holding their breath until the next crisis hits bc you’re too tired to prevent it... like you're just waiting for the external world to give you permission to quit. i tried to call her back an hour ago to tell her i’d come get her and we could drive together but i just stared at the phone until the screen went black. i’m so paralyzed by the thought of her admitting it... i don’t want her to be a grandmother who can’t drive. i want her to be the person who drove me to soccer practice and saw everything. if she admits the blurry vision then she’s old and if she’s old then i’m actually alone in this and i still feel like i’m twenty-two and failing my first undergrad stats class. anyway now i’m just eating cold fries in the library and wondering if i’m going to regret this when i’m 50. probably... i’ll probably look back and realize i was more interested in the terminology of her decline than the actual human being who raised me.