I think human beings possess this terrifying capacity for self-delusion where we convince ourselves that the weight we carry is a form of purpose and not just a slow crushing of our skeletal structures but here I am at 2am sitting in my car in the hospital parking lot and I can still feel the vibration of the fluorescent lights in my teeth and my hands are stained with the smell of latex and high-grade disinfectant and I am fifty-two years old but I feel like an ancient relic that has been hollowed out by the constant demand to be a savior for people who don't even know my middle name.