i never thought i'd be here... like ever. im 50 next year and im back in school trying to get this degree so i can get a better job and my parents are getting really old now and my kids... my kids are little, like 6 and 8, and they need everything. like i need to make sure they have a good life y'know? so i got this job at a factory. it pays really well, way better than anything else i could get right now without the degree. and its like, steady hours and they have benefits and stuff. so like its good... for my kids anyway. but its a factory that makes parts for military drones. like the ones that fly around and blow stuff up. and im a pacifist. like my WHOLE life. i always believed like war is wrong, violence is wrong, you should never hurt anyone. i mean i even got into arguments with people in like high school about it. and now im literally here every day making sure these tiny circuit boards are put together right so some drone can go... do whatever it does. sometimes i just stare at the little wires and think about it and it makes me feel like im gonna be sick. like what am i even doing. and its not even like i dont have options. i could quit. but then what? i'd be scraping by again, we'd be eating ramen every night and the kids wouldn't get new shoes or go to summer camp. and im trying to be a good example for them, that you can go back to school and make things better. but am i making things better? or am i just... making things worse. in a different way. i just feel like such a hypocrite. all my life i stood for something and now im just... not. for money. and my friends from school, they're all super progressive and talk about like social justice and stuff and if they knew what i was doing... they'd probably be disgusted. or like think im a sellout. and maybe i am a sellout. i dont even know anymore. i just go to work, come home, study, try to feed my kids something healthy, then i just crash. and then i wake up and do it all again. and i try not to think about the drones. but sometimes... sometimes its all i can think about. and i just feel this really heavy thing in my chest. like im betraying myself. and i don't know how to fix it. or if i even can.