I used to think adulthood meant like some big reveal where everything just… clicks into place, right? like a perfectly aligned lego set. but no. instead it’s this slow motion disintegration, a steady drip drip drip of all the things you thought were bedrock. the high school crew. man we were TIGHT. inseparable. not a weekend went by without us piled into someone’s beat-up car driving nowhere just talking shit and laughing til our stomachs hurt. we swore we’d be friends forever, no matter what. made those stupid little pinky promises. we were so sure. then college happened. and suddenly it’s like we’re all flung across the damn country. a thousand miles here two thousand there. and it started subtle you know? group chat went from a million messages a day to a few funny memes. then the memes dried up. you’d try to plan a call and it’s like everyone’s schedule is some kind of impossible puzzle. “oh i have class then work then a club meeting” “sorry i’m swamped with midterms” and i get it i really do. everyone’s busy building their new lives. but what about the old ones? what about us? it hit me hard last week. saw a post on instagram, one of them, they were all together. in a different city. laughing. tagging each other. and i wasn’t in it. i wasn’t even invited. and it was like a punch to the gut. just a little picture but it felt like the entire history of us just evaporated. POOF. it’s not even anger. it’s this hollow ache. like a missing limb you keep trying to reach for. you know what’s funnier than that though? the fact that i probably wouldn’t have been able to go even if they’d asked. my schedule is just as insane. but still. the gesture. the thought. it matters. or it used to. we talk about like, ‘outgrowing’ people. like it’s some natural process. but it feels less like outgrowing and more like… just drifting. a slow entropy. like a ship without a captain just floating further and further apart. and you wave from your little boat and they wave from theirs and then the waves just get too big you can’t see each other anymore. and is that just it? is that how it goes? do we just mourn the ghosts of who we used to be to each other? cause it sure feels like that’s where i’m headed. and it’s a lonely damn ocean. i tried calling one of them last night after a few beers just to see if anyone would pick up. no one did. left a rambling voicemail i’m gonna regret in the morning. probably sounded like a crazy person. just mumbled something about missing them and remember that one time and then kinda trailed off. it’s pathetic honestly. you’d think at 22 i’d have figured out how to make new friends. how to keep old ones. but i’m just sitting here in my dorm room scrolling through old photos and feeling like a relic. a historical artifact. and the scary part is i don’t know if i even have the energy to fight for it anymore. this whole ‘adulting’ thing is just exhausting.