i was at the town hall tonight and it was AWFUL. i mean not the meeting itself the usual stuff new zoning proposal community garden petition all of it fine. but me. i kept raising my hand. over and over. and the moderator just... kept looking right through me. like literally. i'm not exaggerating. three times i saw her eyes pass over me and land on some guy in the row behind. i mean i know i'm 75 now and yes the hair is white and i'm not exactly making headlines anymore. but i used to RUN these things. i used to BE that person standing up there. people listened to what i had to say. they expected it even. and tonight... nothing. it was like i was wearing an invisibility cloak or something. only not cool like in harry potter. more like just... i don't exist anymore to half the room. it got me thinking about other things. like how sometimes i'll be in the grocery store and trying to reach something on a high shelf and i'll look around for help but nobody even SEES me looking. or i'm walking and i accidentally bump into someone and they just keep going. no "excuse me" no "sorry" just a shrug and a hurried pace. it's like this slow fade you know. not like a light switch or anything obvious. just every year a little less visible a little less heard. and i keep thinking about how my body changed without asking me first. without my permission. these wrinkles these aches this hair that decided to go silver whether i wanted it to or not. and now apparently my voice also decided to just... disappear from public discourse. without my permission. i used to have things to say and people wanted to hear them. they NEEDED to hear them sometimes. and tonight i just sat there with my hand up feeling like a complete fool. like a little kid begging for attention. i wanted to just scream at them "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I HELPED GET THIS COMMUNITY GARDEN STARTED TWENTY YEARS AGO! I FOUGHT FOR THAT ZONING ORDINANCE!" but what's the point. they wouldn't care. they're all too busy looking at the next young face with the next loud idea. i just left early. couldn't take it anymore. came home and now i'm just staring at my phone feeling utterly... erased. and i don't even know what to do about it. if anything. just... this is it i guess. the new normal. for me.