It’s like 2 am and I can’t sleep again (obviously, why would I be here otherwise) and I just— I don't even know what to call this feeling. It’s like a… a rage? But it’s quiet, you know? Like it’s just humming under my skin all the time. Another day of smiling, of being "on" for the camera, another stupid video of me lifting weights and telling people to "seize the day" or whatever garbage I came up with this morning. And then the camera goes off and it’s just… me. And my stupid tiny apartment that smells faintly of old ramen because that’s all I can afford, again. Not that anyone here would know that, because everyone here knows everyone else and I'm the "successful one," the "fitness guy" who left the farm and made something of himself. Yeah, right. Made something of myself. I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, just… done. And the worst part is, it's my own fault, isn't it? I’m the one who decided this was the path, the one who bought into the whole "manifest your dreams" thing. My buddy, Mark, from high school (who still lives five minutes down the road from my parents, ironically) he just started working at the feed store. Steady paycheck, health insurance, he even bought a used truck last month. And here I am, uploading another video of me doing burpees while I’m practically hallucinating from fatigue and dreaming about a hot meal that isn't instant noodles. What kind of a life is this? What kind of a person pretends to be something they’re not, every single day, just to keep up appearances for… for what, exactly? A few likes? A couple of sponsorships that barely cover rent? And the anger just bubbles up, you know? Not at anyone specific, mostly at myself I guess. For being so stupid, for being so… fake. And then I think about tomorrow, another day of pretending, another day of pushing myself to the limit when all I want to do is just lie down and not get up. My body hurts, my brain feels foggy, and the thought of another "high-energy workout" makes me want to scream. But I won't. I'll smile, I'll record, I'll edit, and then I'll collapse. And then I'll probably eat more ramen because what else am I supposed to do? And everyone in this tiny town will see my videos and think I’m living the dream. The dream. It's a nightmare. It’s just… it’s infuriating.