i just... i don't even know where to begin. like, i'm still kinda shaking a bit, sitting here in my dorm common room at 2am pretending to study but really just staring at this screen, fingers hovering. it was a first date tonight. THE first date, you know? like, someone i actually really wanted to impress, someone i felt like... ok, maybe this could be a Thing. and i spent ALL day trying to get ready, picking out an outfit, rehearsing jokes in my head, like an absolute psycho. and it was going... ok. better than ok, actually. they were really funny, really smart, telling me stories about their summer and i was actually laughing, genuinely laughing. but then, the panic started creeping in. like, what if i run out of things to say? what if i say something DUMB? what if i mess it up? my brain just went completely blank, like a white screen with a little spinning loading icon. so i did it. i pulled out my phone, subtly, under the table. just a quick check, i told myself. just for a little boost. and then it just... kept happening. they'd tell a story, and i'd be like, 'ok, how do i respond to *that*?'. like, witty, charming, insightful. and i'd type in a few keywords, and that thing... it would give me options. and i'd pick one. and i'd say it. and they'd LAUGH. or they'd look at me like, 'wow, you really get it.' and i felt... good. really good. like, i was nailing it. i was being the person i wanted to be, the person i thought they deserved. we were talking about art and philosophy and i was dropping lines that sounded so intelligent, so effortless, but really they were just... copy-pasted. and then at the end, when we were walking back, they turned to me and they were like, "you know, i really felt like we connected tonight. you're really something special." and the words just... hit me. like a physical blow. because it wasn't ME. it was that thing. that stupid little glowing screen under the table. it was all a performance, a total fraud. and i just stood there, smiling, nodding, feeling like the biggest piece of absolute garbage. like, they thought *i* was special, but it was just a curated version of me, a ghostwritten me. now i'm just here. feeling hollow. did i even enjoy the date? was it even real? what if they want a second date? what am i supposed to do then? just keep typing away under the table? become some kind of cyborg dating machine? i just wanted to make a good impression. i just wanted to be... enough. but now i just feel like an imposter. and the worst part is, i don't even know how to stop. it felt so easy, so... effective. but now i just feel totally, utterly alone. and i don't even know if i deserve to feel bad because i brought this all on myself, right? this is my own fault. god, i am so tired.