i’m sitting in the grad library at 2am and the fluorescent lights are making that buzzing sound that feels like it’s vibrating inside my skull... i have three papers due for my mba and my boss keeps slacking me about the Q4 projections but all i can look at is this text from ben... he’s so sweet... he’s literally perfect on paper but he sent me this voice memo right before i walked in here talking about how he’s been feeling lonely lately and how much he likes that i actually listen to him and i felt my entire chest just... lock up... like a physical deadbolt sliding into place and i cant breathe right... it was such a good date too like we went to that hole in the wall ramen place and the steam was fogging up his glasses and we talked about consumer behavior and market saturation for like two hours... i thought i finally found someone who got the pace i move at... but then we were walking to the subway and he stopped and looked at me and said he hasn’t felt this connected to someone in years and he wants to know if i’m ready to see where this goes... if i want to commit to a second date next friday and maybe stop seeing other people... and i just... i blinked at him... i couldn’t even form a sentence... i think i said "cool" or something equally stupid and then i practically RAN into the train car... as soon as the doors closed i felt this wave of like... total REVULSION... not at him but at the situation... it’s like my brain hit the kill switch... i’ve been staring at his follow up text for three days now... *hey did i say something wrong? just wanted to be honest about my feelings*... and i can’t even open the message... if i open it he’ll see the read receipt and then i have to be a person again... this is a pattern... i know it is... my last three "situationships" ended the exact same way... the second someone shows any kind of real emotional depth or asks for a concrete timeline i just... evaporate... it’s like a deactivation strategy but it’s so involuntary... i’m literally a marketing exec i get paid to manage people’s desires and create "authentic" connections for brands but when it comes to my own life i’m basically a ghost... a highly paid ghost with a 3.9 gpa who spends her friday nights reading case studies bc she’s scared of a nice guy from tinder... i keep thinking maybe it’s the pressure... like i’m already spread so thin between the firm and these night classes that there’s just no bandwidth left for someone else’s internal monologue... but it’s deeper than that... it feels like a literal phobia... the moment someone gets vulnerable it’s like they’re handing me a bomb and i don’t know which wire to cut so i just drop it and run away as fast as i can... it’s not that i don’t like him... it’s that the fact that he likes me that much makes me feel like i’m suffocating... i feel like i need to scrub my skin off just to feel clean again... i was reading this paper for my psych elective about attachment styles and the somatic response to perceived engulfment and it hit me like a train... i’m so scared of being "known" that i’d rather be alone in a library at 2am than sitting on a couch with a guy who thinks i’m special... it’s pathetic... i’m 31 and my mom is already asking about grandbabies and my friends are all posting engagement photos and i’m over here googling "why do i hate when people are nice to me" in an incognito tab... i have all this data but i cant find the solution... ben is still typing... i see the little bubbles on the screen right now... three little dots just bouncing there... he’s probably apologizing for being "too much" when he didn't even do anything wrong... he was just being human... and i’m sitting here analyzing his syntax like it’s a data set instead of a person who actually cares... i want to want it... i really do... i want to be the girl who sends the cute "me too" text and buys the cute dress for the second date... but my thumb won't move... it’s like my nervous system is actively sabotaging my life... it’s like there’s this wall of glass between me and the rest of the world... i can see everyone else doing it... i see them being messy and crying on each other and making plans for next month but i’m just... stuck in the metrics... stuck in the projections... if i don’t respond then i don’t have to deal with the possibility of failing at it later... if i end it now while it’s still "good" then i’m still in control... right... but i don’t feel in control... i feel like i’m drowning in a very shallow pool and i could just stand up but i’m choosing to let the water fill my lungs instead... maybe i should just tell him the truth... hey ben i’m actually an emotional void who gets a flight response when someone shares their feelings... but i can’t... that would be too real... so instead i’ll probably just wait another two days and then send some vague excuse about how work is CRAZY and i have this huge midterm and i’m so sorry but i just don’t have the time right now... and he’ll believe me bc i’m good at the lie... i’ve been practicing it since i was twenty and i still havent found a way to stop... the bubbles stopped... he gave up... i should feel relieved but i just feel cold... the library is freezing... i have to finish this deck for monday but i’m just staring at the wall wondering if there’s a clinical term for being this broken...