i just had another one of those dates where i leave feeling totally... disoriented. like this guy was nice, super smart, kinda dorky which i usually like, but halfway through dinner i just wanted to bolt. not bc of him exactly, just this intense internal monologue started, you know? like this voice from inside my head, it sounds exactly like my grandmother, just nonstop commentary about how im wasting my time, how i should be studying, how if im not careful ill end up like *that* cousin, unmarried with nothing to show for it. its crazy bc hes just talking about his phd research and im literally sweating trying to pretend im listening while my brain is screaming at me for even being here instead of working on my own thesis. it feels like i cant even enjoy a simple meal without this intense feeling of shame creeping in, like im doing something inherently bad just by existing outside of an academic context. and then we were walking and he tried to hold my hand and i kinda stiffened up without even thinking. it was like a knee-jerk thing. and then he apologized and i felt even WORSE but i couldnt explain. how do you tell someone that the idea of physical intimacy, even just holding hands, immediately triggers this deep, almost existential dread? its not about him, its about this ingrained belief that any sort of desire or pleasure is inherently frivolous, maybe even sinful. like my body isnt even my own, its just a vessel for academic achievement or future procreation, and any deviation from that path is a personal failing. its exhausting, honestly. im 31, surrounded by people who casually hook up or are in long-term relationships, and im over here feeling like a deviant for even considering a second date. like im betraying my entire lineage just by wanting some affection. i dont know what to do. im so tired of feeling like this all the time. its like im constantly fighting against this invisible force that tells me im not allowed to want anything for myself that isnt purely intellectual. and then i get mad at myself for feeling like this, which just makes it worse. the cognitive dissonance is insane. like i logically know this isnt a normal way to feel, but emotionally? it feels utterly TRUE. its just... there. a constant hum of inadequacy and guilt. and now im sitting here in my tiny student apartment, pretending to read for class, but really just typing this out into the void hoping someone else out there understands what im even talking about. its just so lonely.