you ever just like… get stuck in your own head after something that was supposed to be fun? like the whole point was to relax you know and now im just… here. staring at my ceiling listening to cars go by. someone dropped me off a bit ago. it was actually nice? for a while. we got food. talked about stupid stuff. and then you know… that thing. the thing where it gets kinda quiet and you just feel like… expected. and the whole time it’s happening it’s like there are two of you. one person is just trying to be chill and go with the flow. like a normal person in this city. everyone else seems to figure it out. they just… do. and the other person. that’s the one that just starts screaming in your brain. a whole chorus of old ladies from back home. saying stuff like *achcha* and *sharam karo* and you know the drill. like everything is a sin. everything you want. even just to feel kinda wanted. like that’s some huge crime. and i swear i was trying. i really was. to just… be present. to not overthink it. but then he said something like “you’re really quiet tonight” and it just… froze everything. like it wasn't even accusatory but in my head it was just PROOF. proof that im doing it wrong. proof that im not enough. too much. not enough. i mean i dont even— whatever. it’s just this constant push and pull. like i want to experience things. i want to be part of this whole… scene. but then this heavy blanket of shame just drapes over everything. makes it all grey. and now im just lying here. with my phone too bright. thinking about that exam next week. and the tuition fee that’s due. and all the texts from my mum asking if i’ve eaten. and how i’ll never find someone because who wants to deal with someone who’s constantly at war with herself? like you try to loosen up and then your ancestors just pop up in your peripheral vision giving you the evil eye. you know? it’s so stupid. like we’re adults. we’re supposed to be. but it feels like im still that kid getting yelled at for looking at a boy in the street. and its not even them anymore it's just… me. doing it to myself. every time. and i just wanted to have a nice evening. and now it’s 2am and im here writing this because i cant sleep and i feel like a failure. again. just for wanting to feel something nice. for a change.