i dont even know where to start with this but its been bugging me for so long and i just need to get it out like i guess it feels kinda stupid to write it down but i just cant figure it out on my own i always felt like something was off but i never really put it into words until like the last year or so when everyone around me started coupling up it started small like in high school it was just kind of whatever but now that im in college its like a HUGE deal everyone talks about who they're hooking up with or who they're crushing on and im just… not it's not like i dont want to like good company or whatever but it just never goes there for me with anyone like i had this study group last semester for my philosophy class and we'd be in the library for hours sometimes until like midnight just talking about everything from kant to how capitalism works and i LOVED it the conversations were so good like really intense and made me think you know there was this one guy in the group jake and he was super smart like always had these insightful things to say and we'd sometimes walk back to the dorms together and just keep talking for another hour about like the meaning of life or whatever and it was genuinely the best part of my week and my roommates would always be like oh my god you guys are so cute together or like are you gonna ask him out yet and i just stared at them like what are you even talking about he's a FRIEND a really good one but just a friend and they'd look at me like im crazy and say but he's so hot or like he's totally into you and i just— i dont get it i can appreciate that someone is good looking in like an objective way but i just dont feel that pull that like desire you know its like i can connect with people SO well on an intellectual level like i can spend hours talking to someone about ideas or theories or even just like a really good book and i feel totally engaged and happy but as soon as it shifts to anything more physical i just kind of… disconnect i went to a party last weekend and there was this girl there and we were talking about her art history thesis for like an hour and she was so passionate and interesting and i was having such a good time then later she like put her hand on my arm and leaned in to say something and i just kinda froze up it wasnt like she was being creepy or anything she was just being friendly and like flirty i guess but i just wanted to pull away i dont know why it just felt wrong not in a bad way but like… not right for me and i just kind of made an excuse to go get another drink and then just found my friend to leave and it's not just like one person it's everyone it's always been everyone i'll have these really deep meaningful conversations with people and then if it ever hints at going further i just lose all interest and i dont understand why like am i broken or something my friends always say you just havent met the right person yet but like how many right people do i need to meet before i start to wonder if the problem isnt with the people but with me like why does everyone else just seem to get it and i dont it feels so isolating sometimes because i really do enjoy spending time with people and i love making new friends and having those deep talks but then everyone else moves onto the next stage and im just left behind wondering what the hell is wrong with me