I guess I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, maybe because everyone around me seems to… well, not think about it, just *do* it. You know, like, they see someone attractive and they just *feel* it. And I don’t, not really. It’s weird, kind of. Like, I’m at university now, right? And it’s supposed to be this time where you meet people, and you fall in love, or you just… whatever. Hook up, I guess. Everyone talks about it, how it’s like, a core part of the college experience. And I just… don’t get it. It’s not like I don’t like people. I *do*. I really, really do. I love talking to people. Especially when we’re in a seminar, and someone says something really smart, or even just something that makes me look at an idea in a new way. That’s like… a really good feeling. Like, my brain just kind of lights up. I’ll spend hours after a class just talking to people about the lecture, or a book we’re reading, or even just some random philosophical idea that popped into my head. I’ve made some really good friends that way. We’ll grab coffee, and just… talk. And I always feel so energized afterwards, like I could just keep going for hours. But then, sometimes, those conversations… they shift, you know? Like, we’ll be talking about something really interesting, and then all of a sudden, the other person will sort of lean in a little, or touch my arm, and the whole vibe changes. And it’s like… I can see it happening. I can see the shift in their eyes, the way their voice gets a little softer. And I know what it means. It means they’re starting to see me as… more than just a person to talk to about Kant or something. They’re seeing me as someone they might want to kiss, or whatever. And that’s where I hit a wall, I guess. Because my brain, the one that was just buzzing with ideas, it just… shuts down. It’s not like I’m repulsed, exactly. It’s more like… nothing. Just a blank. Like if someone asked me to explain quantum physics while I was trying to figure out what to make for dinner. Just two completely separate things that don’t connect in my head. I’ll feel a kind of… politeness, I guess? Like, "Oh, they’re being nice, I should be nice back." But the actual *feeling* of attraction, that spark everyone talks about? It just isn’t there. Ever. I’ve tried to fake it sometimes, which is… really not a good idea. I went on a few dates, back in high school actually, because it felt like that’s what you were supposed to do. There was this one guy, really sweet, we talked for hours about our favorite bands and books. And he was really good-looking, too, like, objectively. All my friends were like, "OMG, he’s SO cute!" And I could *see* it. I could register that he had nice eyes, and a good smile, that sort of thing. But when he tried to hold my hand, or put his arm around me, it just felt… mechanical. Like I was performing a role. And I felt really guilty afterwards, because I knew he was genuinely interested, and I was just… not. It's been the same at university. There was this girl in my philosophy class, brilliant, absolutely brilliant. We spent a whole afternoon in the library, practically debated for like three hours straight about existentialism. It was exhilarating. And she was laughing, and her eyes were sparkling, and I felt so connected to her, intellectually. And then, at the end, she sort of touched my hand and asked if I wanted to get dinner, and maybe… "hang out" later. And again, that blankness. It was like a switch just flipped off. My brain just registered "threat" in a weird way, not "opportunity." And I made up some excuse about needing to study, which was partially true, but mostly just a way to escape. I wonder if it’s just me. Like, everyone else seems to have this built-in mechanism for physical attraction. They see someone, they feel a pull, they act on it. And I just have… the intellectual pull. It feels like a missing piece of equipment, almost. Like everyone else has a specific sensor, and mine just… wasn’t installed. It makes me feel isolated sometimes, even when I’m surrounded by people I genuinely enjoy being with. Because I know there’s this whole other layer of human connection that I just… can’t access, or don’t understand. My friends talk about their crushes, their hookups, their relationships, and I just nod along, trying to look interested. I can appreciate the emotional drama of it, I guess, like a really good novel. But the actual physical part? It’s just… not there for me. It’s like watching people describe a really delicious food, and you can understand *why* they like it, but you just can’t taste it yourself. It’s sort of frustrating, and a little bit lonely. I don't know what to do about it, or even if there *is* anything to do. I just… exist, and think, and enjoy people’s minds. And that’s it, I guess. For now.