i just... i dont even know what to call this. like im up right now because she finally fell asleep right (little angel she is lol) and im just holding her. her head on my shoulder. tiny little breathing sounds. and it hit me. like a physical blow. (not in a bad way obviously i would never hurt her) but like a sudden gut punch. i could actually feel my diaphragm contract. a vagal response maybe? and what hit me was this insane panic. not about her. not about being a good dad (well a little about that maybe but not the main thing). it was about *me*. about not being there. like im 31. and my daughter... she’ll be 31 when im 62. and my mom. she was like 62 when i was 31. that math just… it broke something in my brain. because im suddenly picturing her at 31 and me being like... what if im not here to see that. what if im just… gone. like a statistical probability. it wasn't even a specific fear like cancer or a car accident. it was just the sheer *finite-ness* of my existence. like she has this whole life ahead of her (hopefully) until shes like 80 or 90 and im just this tiny sliver of that. and i need to be there for ALL of it. but i wont be. i just… wont be. and thats a certainty. a biological imperative i guess you could say. but it feels more like a threat. an impending doom. (dramatic much? yes probably) i feel like im having an existential crisis in slow motion. holding my baby. the most beautiful, pure thing ive ever seen. and all i can think about is my own mortality. like how is this the thought that comes up? when i should just be feeling pure love and contentment. is this some kind of attachment anxiety? a maladaptive response to profound joy? my psych textbook would have a field day with me right now. and the worst part is i cant even put her down. because if i move i feel like the thought will just... crystallize. become real. so im just sitting here. in the dark. in the glider. holding my sleeping infant. thinking about the day she graduates college and im like 53 and how fast that will go. and then shes married and im like 58 and god what if i dont even get to meet her kids. it’s like a cascade of grief for future events that havent even happened. its almost… darkly hilarious. if i wasnt so utterly terrified. and tired. always so tired.