I was holding the baby tonight, finally asleep, little hand curled in my shirt… and I just started spiraling. Like, I’m 31 now, and all I could think was am I gonna be around for his graduation? Or his wedding? What the FUCK is that? This sudden mortality salience out of nowhere, just… a complete somatic panic attack, clutching him so tight, like I could hold him here forever. But I can’t. God, it’s just… exhausting.