I don’t even know if this counts as a confession, or if it’s just… a weird thought. A messed up one. I guess I just need to get it out somewhere, where no one knows me. Last night, I was holding Clara — my daughter, she’s just three months old — and we were out on the balcony. It’s a pretty high one, we’re on the tenth floor of this building my wife’s parents helped us with, which is a whole other thing. Anyway, the sun was setting, and she was just staring, wide-eyed, at the light reflecting off the buildings downtown. She’s so tiny, so fragile, and I was just holding her, her head resting on my shoulder. And then, I don't know, it just... popped into my head. This image. Me, just accidentally, completely by accident, letting her slip. Over the railing. It wasn't like a desire, not at all, I need to be clear about that. It was this HORRIBLE flash, like a quick cut in a movie. My hands, suddenly limp, her little body tumbling. The air rushing. And then the silence after. I physically recoiled, stumbled back into the living room, my heart absolutely POUNDING, clutching her so tight she started to fuss. My wife came over, "What's wrong, babe?" and I just mumbled something about the wind being cold. I couldn't say it. How do you tell someone that for a split second, you imagined the worst possible thing happening, by your own hand? Even if it was an accident? I just felt this cold, awful anger at myself. What kind of person even THINKS something like that? It feels like a betrayal of her, of my wife, of everything. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or the pressure. I'm trying to make the art thing work, really trying, but it just feels like every day is a battle against... well, against bills, mostly. And the quiet judgment from her parents, who just want us to be "stable." Which I get, I do. But sometimes I just feel like I'm drowning, and this vision, this horrible, quick, out-of-nowhere vision, just felt like another sign that maybe I'm not cut out for this. For any of it. And that makes me so angry, I don't even know who at. Just... furious.