i don't even know if this counts as a confession really or if it's just me yelling into the void at myself for being so stupid i just posted another picture from Bali you know the one the infinity pool overlooking the rice paddies the sunrise all golden and hazy and everyone's commenting like oh my god you're living the dream you're inspiring me and i'm just there like great another thousand dollars i don't have tacked onto the pile i keep telling myself it's for my brand my image that as a marketing person i need to PROJECT a certain kind of life you know but the truth is i just love going places i love seeing things being in a different air and i keep thinking if i just work a little harder just take one more freelance gig just stretch the credit limit a tiny bit more then it'll all somehow balance out it HAS to balance out right and it's not like i'm not working i am i'm working all the time after my day job i'm doing client calls for my art commissions that i barely have time to do anymore or i'm writing social media copy for some start-up just to pay for the flights to the next dream destination because i promised myself this year i'd see five new countries i guess that was dumb huh i just wanted to feel like i was doing something with my life something more than just sitting in a cubicle all day i wanted to make beautiful things see beautiful things be inspired and then make even more beautiful things but all i feel now is this tightening in my chest whenever my phone pings with a banking alert or when i see the interest charges on my statements it's like a physical punch you know and it makes me so MAD at myself for letting it get this far for being so utterly idiotic and the worst part is i can't even tell my friends or my family because they already think i'm living this glamorous life traveling the world all on my own terms and if i told them the truth that i'm basically drowning in debt because i can't stop trying to capture that perfect moment that perfect shot for instagram i think they'd just look at me like i'm crazy or worse like i'm just another millennial obsessed with appearances and maybe i am i don't know i just feel like i'm stuck on this hamster wheel of trying to prove something to someone and now the wheel is spinning so fast i can't get off and i'm so so angry about it all the time