I just got back from Tulum, and I am SO ANGRY with myself. Like, I’m scrolling through my feed right now and there’s a picture of me, golden hour, perfectly sun-kissed, smiling that big, carefree smile in front of some incredibly chic infinity pool and my stomach just CLENCHES because that whole trip was a LIE. Every single one of those photos, the ones from the Maldives last year, the Bali shots from the year before – all of them are just pretty little lies I tell myself and everyone else. Everyone in my DMs is like, "OMG, you live the dream!" and "How do you afford it?!" and I want to SCREAM. I want to tell them I don't afford it, not really. I take these glamorous photos and post them, and then I come home to a credit card statement that makes my heart physically ache, and I spend the next six months working every single spare minute I have to just barely keep my head above water. It's this vicious cycle, right? I feel like I have to keep up. Everyone else in my circle is jet-setting, posting their aesthetically perfect lives, and if I don't do it too, then what? Am I falling behind? Am I not successful enough? I went to Mexico for four days, and it cost me almost a thousand dollars just for the flights, let alone the resort and the amazing dinners and the *experiences*. And how did I pay for those flights? By taking on three extra freelance projects on top of my already demanding full-time job. I was literally editing social media copy until 2 AM every night for a month just so I could pretend to be living my best life for 96 hours. I was so exhausted the whole time I was there, I barely enjoyed it, but I smiled for the camera, dammit. I made sure to get those shots. And for what? To scroll through my own feed and feel this gut-wrenching dread because I know what's coming. I know the bills are going to hit, and I know I'm going to be glued to my laptop every weekend trying to claw my way out of this hole again. It's so stupid. It's so INCREDIBLY stupid, and I hate myself for doing it, but I just… I don't know how to stop. It feels like if I stop, if I don't go on these trips, then I'll just disappear. Like I'll be invisible. And I can't let that happen. Not yet. I just can't.