i don't even know if this counts as like a real confession or whatever. i just like… it feels so dumb to even say out loud. but it’s been like eating at me. every single day. every day. since i was like seventeen. i think maybe it’s not even a thing most people would care about. but it feels HUGE to me. like it’s my whole entire life. ok so like when i was still in high school, and everyone was like freaking out about colleges and stuff? i got into this like REALLY big deal internship. it was like, international? and in europe. and it was for like, the arts. i was so good at drawing back then. like really really good. i had this whole portfolio. and the letter, it said i was "exceptionally promising." it was like the coolest thing that ever happened. my art teacher was like, "this is your chance, kid. don't mess it up." and i really really thought it was. the other kids in my art class were like, "OMG you're so lucky, you're gonna be famous." and i believed them. i really did. but then my mom. she was like, "what about stability?" and my dad, he kept saying, "that's a pipe dream, kiddo. a pipe dream." they were always like, "we need something practical. something with benefits." and like, we didn't have a lot of money. ever. so i kinda felt like i HAD to listen. they kept talking about how like, banking was really steady. and there was this local bank, and they were like, "they're hiring tellers. you could start right out of high school." and i knew it wasn't what i wanted. not even a little bit. but it was like, so much pressure. and i was so young, i didn't know how to fight them. i just… gave in. i think maybe i just wanted to make them proud. or maybe i was just scared. i don't know. so i went to the local bank. and i started. and i'm still there. like FIFTY now. still there. same little branch. same desk. every single day. i see all the college kids come in, all bright and shiny, talking about their like big plans and whatever. and i just think about that letter. the "exceptionally promising" part. and i feel so incredibly stupid. for not taking the chance. for not being brave enough. for listening to everyone else instead of myself. it’s like i gave up my whole other life. my REAL life. and now it’s just gone. i still draw sometimes. just little things. doodles on deposit slips when no one's looking. little birds. or weird faces. sometimes i look at them and i think, "what if?" what if i’d gone to europe? what if i was an artist? what if i wasn't just… this. a bank clerk. it’s such a dumb thing to feel shame about, i guess. but i do. i feel it like a heavy blanket. always there. always.