I just don't even know what to do with myself right now, like I'm so pissed off and so fucking thrilled all at once and it’s making me feel like a total asshole which just makes me angrier. I got the email today, the one for *that* project, the one I've been busting my ass for, practically living at the office trying to get everything perfect, and it’s MINE. All mine. My first solo lead on something big, something real, and I just wanted to scream, to run around, to call everyone I know and tell them all about it. But then I had that meeting right after, with someone who's supposed to be my mentor, someone I actually look up to, and it was just... awful. They were in one of their moods, you know? Just absolutely railing against everything, talking about how they're so burnt out, how this whole career is a joke, how they regret every single choice that led them here. And I'm sitting there, trying to keep a straight face, nodding along, offering the right commiserating sounds while inside I’m literally buzzing, vibrating with pure, unadulterated excitement. It felt like I was holding a live goddamn wire, just trying not to let it show, trying to keep my face neutral and not accidentally smile. Because how could I? How could I be happy, visibly happy, when someone is pouring their heart out about how miserable they are in the exact same field I'm about to launch myself into? It would have been a dick move, a truly cruel thing to do, so I kept it all bottled up, shoved it down, and now it’s just festering. And now I'm home, it’s like 2 AM, and I still can’t sleep because I'm so fucking mad at myself for not being able to celebrate this thing, this HUGE thing, without feeling like I’m betraying someone or being insensitive. What kind of person celebrates their big win while someone else is actively drowning? But then, what kind of person lets someone else’s misery completely overshadow their own legitimate joy? I feel like I'm supposed to be this perfectly empathetic machine all the time, constantly adjusting my emotions to fit the room, and sometimes I just want to be me, exactly how I am, and not have to make excuses for it. It just feels like there’s no winning, ever.