i dont even know why im typing this out like its probly stupid and people are gunna think im just being dramatic but i cant sleep and its like 2am and the crickets outside my window are being so loud it makes my head hurt... anyway so i just finished that big thing, you know? the one everyone in town has been talking about for like forever because im "the smart one" and "the one who got out" and whatever. i had to stand in front of all those people in the suits—the ones who look at you like you're a bug under a microscope—and talk about my research for hours and at the end they said i did it. they said im a "doctor" now which feels like a total lie because im only seventeen and i still have to ask my mom if i can use the truck to go get a soda at the gas station down the road. am i the only one who gets like... this weird heavy feeling when something good happens? like i should be jumping around or something but instead i just feel like i swallowed a bunch of rocks. i went back to the little room where i keep all my stuff, like my books and my notes and all those papers i spent years writing, and i started putting them in boxes. and i just stopped. i was holding this one book about the "theories" or whatever—its this old blue one with the edges all chewed up because i used to carry it everywhere—and i just felt nothing. like, literally nothing. i couldve dropped it in the creek and i wouldnt have even blinked. is that normal? or am i just like... broken inside? it took so long to get here and i missed so much stuff back home because of it. like i missed my cousins wedding and i missed when the old barn burnt down and everyone was there helping to clear it out but i was stuck in that basement library reading about things that dont even matter to anyone in this zip code. my dad is so proud he told everyone at the feed store that his kid is the smartest person in the state and now i feel like if i tell him i dont even care about the degree he'd look at me like i was a stranger. i feel like i put on a mask years ago and now i cant get it off and the mask is the "doctor" but the person underneath is just some kid who wants to hide in a hayloft and never read another sentence again. and the room is so quiet. it’s that kind of quiet where you can hear your own blood pumping in your ears and it feels like the walls are getting closer. i have like fifty boxes of books and i have to move them out by monday because someone else is gunna take the office space but i just keep sitting here on the floor. i started counting the ceiling tiles earlier just to do SOMETHING because looking at my research made me want to throw up. i put so much work into that thing. i stayed up until 4am for months and i cried over the data and i felt like my whole life depended on it... and now its done and i just feel empty. like a soda bottle someone left out in the sun that went all flat and gross. it’s also just... nobody here understands. like i try to talk to my friends from high school but they just talk about the mill or who’s dating who and i feel like i’m speaking a different language now. they think im better than them because of the "research" but i feel like im actually worse. i feel like i lost the part of me that knows how to just be a person in a small town. i went to the store today to get tape for the boxes and mr. henderson was like "hey there doc" and he did that little tip of his hat and i felt so much SHAME. i wanted to scream that i dont know anything. i dont know why im like this. i dont know why i worked so hard for a piece of paper that makes me feel like i dont belong anywhere anymore. does anyone else ever feel like they worked their whole life for a prize and then when they got it, they realized the prize was just a box of air? i feel like a total fraud. like someone is gunna come through the door and say "wait a minute, you're just a kid from the sticks, give that back." and honestly? i think i’d just give it back. id give it back in a heartbeat if it meant i didnt feel this way. i feel like i’m mourning something but i don’t even know what it is... maybe just the person i was before i started all this. i keep looking at the boxes and thinking about how heavy they’re gunna be to carry down the stairs and i just want to leave them there. just walk away and let the janitor deal with it. maybe i’m just tired. but it feels like more than that. it feels like i’ve been running a race for ten miles and i finally crossed the line and there’s nobody there and the ground is just mud. i’m still sitting on the floor of the library and the light in the hallway is flickering and it’s making this buzzing sound that’s driving me crazy. i have to pack the rest of the "theology" section but i think im just gunna lay down here instead. i dont want to go home and i dont want to stay here. i just want to be... nowhere. am i the only one who feels like the big "success" moments are actually just the saddest parts of your life? i feel so ungrateful and stupid for even typing this but i had to tell someone even if its just people on the internet who dont know me. does it ever stop feeling like this? or am i just stuck like this forever?