i don’t even know why im typing this right now it’s 2:37 am and im supposed to be working on my stats final but my brain just won’t shut up about this so yesterday was saturday right and my mom called at like 8 am on the dot asking if i wanted to go to my brother’s apartment bc he’s apparently too busy with his “new job” to clean it himself and she just “can’t stand to see him live like that” and my back has been F—KING killing me all week it’s that deep radiating pain across my lumbar region probably a subluxation or something from sitting at my desk for 14 hours every single day but i just said yeah sure no problem what time like an automatic response i swear we got there around 9:30 and it was just... it was BAD the kitchen had like three-day-old pizza boxes and a sink full of dishes that looked like they’d been there since before covid and i swear i saw mold on a coffee cup and i just started cleaning without even thinking about it my mom was like oh just do a light clean honey don’t overdo it but i just couldn’t stop i scrubbed the kitchen counters until they gleamed like surgery tables every single crumb gone i organized his pantry by color and expiration date i even defrosted the freezer which was like an archaeological dig of forgotten frozen burritos and i kept thinking about my ptsd class and how this compulsion to control my environment is probably a maladaptive coping mechanism but i just kept going then i moved to the living room and vacuumed every single crevice under the sofa cushions found three lost remotes and enough dog hair to knit a small sweater his dog wasn’t even there just the hair and i started washing all his blankets and throw pillows even though he never asked me to and my back was screaming at me by this point like a fire alarm going off in my spine but i just pushed through it my mom was in his bedroom doing laundry and putting away clothes i swear she folded every single sock and then she started making his favorite lasagna and chicken pot pie for his dinner bc he’s “too tired to cook after work” and i was just wiping down the bathroom scrubbing the toilet until it sparkled and my hands were raw from the bleach even with gloves we finished around 6 pm so literally like 8 and a half hours of non-stop cleaning and cooking and i helped my mom carry all the food into his fridge and freezer like a full week’s worth of elaborate home-cooked meals he probably won’t even appreciate and then we just left without even seeing him he was still “at work” i got home and collapsed on my bed and i just felt this really strange mix of exhaustion and… nothingness?