i just dropped off my youngest at college today (wow feels weird to even say that) and now i’m sitting in my craft room looking at my sewing machine and like twenty half-finished quilt tops and just thinking… what now. for like the last twenty years every spare second has been about them right? soccer practice band concerts parent teacher conferences making sure dinner was on the table and laundry was done and everyone had what they needed. and then when the youngest was finally independent enough to not need me for every single thing that’s when i really got into quilting. like REALLY into it. i’ve got stacks of fabric i’ve got patterns i’ve got specialized rulers and cutting mats and this fancy machine that cost more than i wanna admit. it was always my escape my thing to do when the house was finally quiet or when i felt like i needed to DO something for ME. and it felt good it felt productive it felt like i was making something beautiful. but now… he’s gone. for good. and the older ones are grown and out doing their own thing. and i’m just sitting here staring at all this STUFF and like this weird little voice in my head is asking if i actually like quilting or if i just needed a really good way to avoid thinking about how my whole identity was about to shift. like did i love the colors and the patterns and the feel of the fabric or did i just love having something to DO with my hands so i didn’t have to think about what was coming? and now that it’s here i’m just… stuck. i don’t even know if i wanna start another quilt. the thought of it just feels… heavy. i’m trying to go back to school too (for like a certificate in paralegal stuff) so that’s a whole other thing but it’s so much reading and i’m so tired all the time. and the other students are all like twenty and i feel so old and out of place. i keep thinking maybe i should just go back to my old job at the bank but it was so boring. and i keep thinking about my mom always asking when i’m coming over and like her forgetting things and i just feel like i’m supposed to be doing something but i don’t know what. (like i know i need to study but my brain just won’t turn on). is this what empty nest feels like? just this big empty space where all the plans used to be? i just feel really confused. and tired. and a little bit sad. and like i need to clean out this room but i don’t have the energy.