i feel so dumb posting this but here goes — this is stupid but i was walking past the community garden today just after my microeconomics lecture and it just hit me. like this WAVE of something. it’s not even a big deal, just a bunch of raised beds with some scrawny looking tomatoes and kale, but it just made me think of my grandma’s farm. the one my aunt took over when my mom left. and it’s like... why do i even care. it’s not my life. i’m here, i’m in grad school, i’m doing the whole academic grind thing, trying to figure out if i even want to go into research or just get a corporate job like everyone else. i’m supposed to be EXCITED about these options. but seeing those sad little plants just made me… i don’t even know what the word is. anhedonic? maybe. it’s not sadness exactly, more like a dull ache of nothingness mixed with a weird longing for something i actively chose not to have. my mom always talks about how she regrets leaving the farm. she’s a corporate manager now, like super intense, always working. and she always says how her biggest mistake was not sticking with the family business, not raising us "organically" or whatever, and then she’ll laugh like it’s a joke but it never feels like one. and i grew up hearing that, hearing how she gave up this idyllic life for a cubicle, and i think part of me just absorbed it. like i’m doing the opposite, running towards the corporate thing or at least away from anything farm-related, even though i don't even know if i actually want it. it’s like i’m trying to prove her wrong about her own choices, by making completely different ones for myself, but then i see a community garden and i get this... dysphoria? a sense of misplacement. it’s probably just stress from finals. or maybe imposter syndrome is manifesting in weird agricultural guilt. i don’t know. it’s just this persistent little gnawing feeling that i’ve made all the right moves according to societal expectations and my parents’ regrets, but i’m still missing some vital component. like i’ve optimized for something that isn't actually what i want and now i can’t even articulate what it is that i DO want. it’s just a void where a clear personal vision should be. ugh. i need to finish this econ paper. this is so dumb.