i dunno why im even typing this here like who cares really but i just need to get it out before i explode or something. its like 2 am and i cant sleep again. thinking about that mixer last night. it was for work, you know, the big annual thing where everyone from HQ comes down. and i had to be there. HAD TO. so i put on my best 'hey everyone im SO happy to see you' face, right. clapped people on the back, told some dumb jokes that werent even funny but i laughed real loud so other people kinda did too. i hate it. every single time i gotta turn into this loud-ass person, this gregarious dude who just loves to schmooze. im not that guy. IM SO NOT THAT GUY. its just to impress the higher-ups, you know. gotta make sure they see me being a 'team player' and all that. like, if i dont smile till my cheeks hurt and pretend im having the BEST time ever, then im somehow less committed. less management material. my boss, he's like 'you gotta be seen, [my name], gotta put yourself out there!' and i just nod and smile and say 'will do!' but inside im just screaming. its exhausting. every day, every day i gotta do this little dance. then i get home and im just... empty. so tired i cant even think straight. i just want to sit in silence. watch some stupid show. but then i remember my parents need me to call, my kids are bugging me about something or other, and then theres this stupid class im taking online, 'business ethics for the modern executive' what a joke. papers due next week. another thing to pretend im interested in. i keep thinking about when i was younger, like in my 20s, i wasnt this way. i mean, i was always quiet but i wasnt FAKE. now its like ive got this whole other person i have to be whenever im around work people. and its not even about getting ahead anymore, not really. i mean, yeah i want to keep my job, make sure im good financially for my parents, for the kids if they ever need anything. but its more than that now. its like i dont even know who i am anymore without the act. sometimes i wonder if anyone would even like the real me. the quiet guy who just wants to read a book and not talk to anyone for a while. i probably wouldnt even recognize him. is that BAD. probably. man. i gotta try and sleep. this is stupid.