I gotta get this outta my head or I'm gonna scream. I did it again tonight. Another one of those stupid "networking mixers" for work. And I put on the whole dog-and-pony show, like I always do. The loud laughs, the slapping guys on the back, acting like I'm the life of the fucking party. It's so… fake. And it feels like shit, honestly. They tell us, "Be visible, show initiative, make connections with senior leadership." And I know that's how you get ahead, that's how you move up the ladder. Back in the Corps, you just did your job, you were good at it, and that was enough. You didn't have to… pretend to be someone else to get noticed. But here? In this civilian world? It's like everyone’s acting all the time. Like if you're quiet, if you're just yourself, you're invisible. So I put on the mask. I talk about sports I don't care about, I tell jokes I've heard a hundred times, I even try to remember their kids’ names. I watched myself in the reflection of a window tonight, smiling so wide my cheeks hurt, and for a second I didn't even recognize myself. It was like watching a completely different person. A stranger. And that guy, he was doing pretty good, he was getting all the attention, making the VPs laugh. They probably think I'm such a great guy. Such a go-getter. But inside, all I wanted to do was curl up somewhere quiet. Just… be. I hate small talk. I hate the forced smiles. It’s exhausting. When I finally got out of there, I just drove home in silence, the radio off, feeling completely drained. Like every bit of energy had been sucked out of me. And then the shame hits. The shame that I have to be someone else to be considered "good" at my job. That the real me isn't enough. That if they saw how I really am, how quiet I like to be, they'd think I was weak or something. I keep telling myself it’s for a reason, that it'll pay off. But man, the cost feels pretty fucking high sometimes. I just wish I didn't have to put on the show every time. I wish I could just… be me. Without feeling like I'm gonna fall behind. Or that I'm letting everyone down.