i dunno why im even typing this really... like who cares right? but its almost 2am and i just keep thinking about it. like all day. every single day. so like... earlier today. it was a nice day right? sun was out. kids were playing in the driveway. bike riding and scooter stuff. i was supposed to be like, supervising them, but mostly i was just watching the garage door. it's stupid. really stupid. but i had this little container... little plastic thing. full of those gummies. the green ones. it was in my pocket all morning and i just KNEW i had to get rid of it. or hide it. somewhere. before like... one of them asked for candy or something. or my wife came home. and there i am, like, bending down. pretending to tie my shoe. the little one, jenna, shes like "daddy look at me!" and im like "yeah honey great!" but im really focused on this loose brick. in the garage wall. been there for years. i just never thought of it before. so i kinda wrestle it out, the brick, right? and it's dusty and gross in there. but it's like... perfect. for the container. slides right in. and i shove the brick back in place and it looks... fine. normal. like nothing happened. and my heart is POUNDING. i mean POUNDING. the kids are still playing. they didnt see anything. but i felt like everyone knew. the whole street knew. im 48. almost 50. supposed to be a responsible adult. a dad. a husband. and im here, like, hiding candy. from my family. it's not even about getting high all the time. it's just... the escape. the quiet. when my own kids are practically grown, going to college. and im supposed to be a student too now, trying to learn new stuff, new career, all this pressure. and my parents... dont even get me started on them. they need so much. like every single day. every day. and i just need a minute to not be the guy everyone needs something from. just one minute. and now its almost 2am and im just staring at the ceiling and i can practically SEE that brick in the garage wall. just sitting there. like a secret. and i know im gonna go out there tomorrow. or the next day. and take one. probably just one. and pretend it's all fine. i feel like such a loser. a big, stupid, hiding-candy-from-his-kids loser. what am i doing with my life. is this it? this is the best i can do? hiding gummies from my own kids in the garage wall while they play on the driveway... it just feels so... small. and pathetic. and i dont even know why i did it. but i did. and its there. and i dont think ill ever not do it now. even when im done with school. even when the kids are fully gone. the brick is still there. i guess.