i feel so messed up right now like i just did something kinda awful and my stomach is all twisted up but i also feel kinda relieved and that's the part that makes me feel like such a piece of crap you know i was just out in the garage like five minutes ago the kids were outside playing catch on the driveway screaming and laughing and it was so LOUD and i just needed like two seconds of quiet so i went out there and i grabbed the container of gummies from behind the loose brick in the wall where i hide them and it just felt so sneaky like i'm a total loser hiding stuff from my family when they're right there and i just popped one in my mouth and swallowed it real fast hoping they didn't see me through the window or something even though i know they wouldn't even know what it was but still it feels so WRONG i dunno and now i'm sitting here and they're still out there yelling about who won the game or whatever and i can already feel it starting to kick in a little bit and i just want to cry like why do i need this to just get through the day why can't i just be a normal dad who plays catch and doesn't need to hide stuff in the garage wall i feel like im losing my mind sometimes all the pressure all the noise all the bills it just gets to be too much and then im doing dumb stuff like this and i just want it to stop but i don't know how to make it stop