you know how it is when you think you finally got it all together like you're almost 50 and back in school trying to get that degree and your kids are out the house so you should be the boss now right. but then you go home to see your parents and suddenly you're just a kid again waiting for someone to tell you what to do. it’s like you never left. does everyone feel like they’re just playing dress up as an adult or is it just me. i’m sitting here with my laptop open trying to study for this exam and i can’t even focus bc of what happened today. i feel like a total traitor honestly and i keep thinking people are gonna read this and think im a terrible person. so my old man had heart surgery like two weeks ago and it was SCARY. mom has been a total wreck crying every night and making him eat all this gross kale stuff and no salt. and i went over to help him fix the leaky faucet in the garage today bc he’s not supposed to lift anything or strain himself. i reached up on the high shelf behind the old paint cans to find the wrench and my hand hit something else. it was a pack of marlboro reds. half empty. and a lighter. u know that feeling when the air just leaves the room and u forget how to breathe for a second. i looked at him and he looked at me and he didn’t even say anything he just had this look in his eyes like a dog that knows it did something wrong but is too tired to care. i wanted to scream at him like DAD WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU ALMOST DIED. but i didn’t. i just stood there holding the pack and i could hear my mom in the kitchen humming some song and making him tea. it felt like i was holding a bomb or something. is it weird that i felt bad for him. like he’s 75 and he’s been working his whole life and now he can’t even have one thing he likes. but then i think about mom and how she’d literally lose her mind if she knew. she’s been sleeping in a chair at the hospital for days and he’s out here sneaking puffs behind the lawnmower. i just shoved them back behind the paint and finished the sink and we didn’t talk about it. not one word. he just patted my shoulder and went inside to drink his tea.