i dunno why im even typing this tbh im just kinda wound up and cant sleep again. usually i just like read or whatever but tonight… its different. like im sitting here in the dark and my parents are sound asleep down the hall and i just keep thinking about that thing i went to today. it was for school, this lecture, and the guy was talking about stuff that would just… make everyone i know FLIP OUT. totally against everything we believe. and i sat there, taking notes, asking smart questions even, cuz i gotta keep up the act right? gotta show im a serious student. but inside my head it was like a fireworks show. i was just… enthralled. completely. and it felt so good. so right. and then the guilt just crashes in like a wave. like im this big leader in my community. everyone looks up to me. my own kids, they think im this rock solid dude. and my parents, bless em, they’re getting older, and i gotta be there for them, gotta keep things stable. they’d just DIE if they knew what i was actually thinking about. what i actually enjoy reading and watching. stuff that like, questions EVERYTHING. and its not even like i wanna stop believing totally. its just that other stuff… it just makes sense sometimes. it opens up my brain in a way that nothing else does. and it feels so real, so true to like, who i actually am inside. and thats the scary part. cuz who am i actually? if im not the guy everyone thinks i am. if im this other guy who like, secretly loves all this stuff that would get him basically excommunicated. what happens then? am i a hypocrite? a fake? i mean i still do all the stuff i'm supposed to do. i lead the prayers, i give advice, i help out. but its like im living two lives. and this student thing, its just making it worse. more exposure to more stuff. and its exciting but also its like a constant low level panic attack. like someone's gonna find out. someone's gonna look in my bag and see what book im *really* reading or see what im researching on my laptop. and then what? lose everything? idk. it just feels heavy tonight. real heavy.