so like anyone else ever just feel like you’re watching your life happen from a really bad seat in the cheap seats you know like everyone else got the good tickets and you’re just there squinting trying to figure out what’s even going on like the big picture that’s always been me I guess and it just hit me again a few days ago like a ton of bricks or somethin’ when my little brother Marco he’s a surgeon now down in the city you know like fancy-pants doctor stuff big money he pulls up to ma and pa’s place in this BRAND NEW shiny Escalade or whatever the hell it was it was one of them big white ones like a snow mobile for rich people and it was FOR THEM like a present he bought them a new car a LUXURY car ma almost started crying pa just kept shaking his head like he won the lottery and I’m just standing there on the porch sipping my coffee the one I bought at the Circle K this morning trying to look happy trying to smile you know the whole nine yards and it’s not that I’m not happy for them for ma and pa I love them to death they deserve nice things god knows they worked hard enough their whole lives on that farm and Marco he’s a good kid always has been even when we were little he was always so smart so driven you know he just knew what he wanted and he went and got it me I kinda just always ended up here you know like the path of least resistance I guess I’m the store manager at the General Store the only one for fifty miles everyone knows me everyone knows my business it’s not bad work it’s steady pays the bills barely sometimes but it’s not exactly buying Escalades for my parents is it and it’s like it just hits you sometimes you make all these choices or you don’t make choices you just kinda fall into them and then years later you’re just there watching your little brother who used to follow you around like a shadow who you used to change his diapers practically buying your parents a whole new life while you’re still trying to figure out how to fix the leaky faucet in your own kitchen is it just me or does anyone else ever just feel that kinda… emptiness when something good happens but it’s not from you it’s like a dull ache not like I’m mad at Marco no way but it’s like this quiet voice in your head going what if what if I’d done things differently what if I’d left this town like he did what if I’d been smarter or worked harder or just had a different brain you know like a surgeon brain not a store manager brain and it’s like I just stood there watching them all so happy so excited and I just felt so far away like I was watching it on TV or something just another episode of someone else’s good life and I just couldn’t feel it deep down I just couldn’t feel that same kinda joy you know it just felt… flat anyone else? am I the only one who feels like this? or am I just messed up in the head? it’s probably just me...