God I'm so tired you guys anyone else ever just feel like a damn ghost in your own life like you’re there but you’re not *really* there just kinda floating around while everyone else is out there building actual tangible things I just spent two hours scrubbing dried mashed potatoes off the high chair and now I’m here instead of sleeping because my brain won’t shut up. We had dinner tonight you know the family thing my sister she’s like six years younger than me but she just got a HUGE promotion at her tech job a director role something fancy and not only that she and her boyfriend just put a down payment on a house a real house like with a yard and a mortgage and everything and everyone was just SO thrilled you know the clapping the oohs and aahs my dad kept saying *that’s my girl* and my mom was tearing up talking about grandkids and it was all very sweet very wonderful. And I sat there trying to smile trying to look happy for her and I AM I really am proud of her she works hard she deserves it but inside I just felt like this hollow space this gaping maw of nothingness because what am I doing you know I’m still freelancing still piecing together commissions like I have been for a DECADE still worrying about whether I’ll hit my monthly target still trying to make sure little one has decent clothes and that my mom’s prescriptions are filled and that my partner isn’t working himself into an early grave and all I could think was when did my life become just… this. This constant scramble. And then my mom looked at me after my sister was done with her whole celebration monologue and she said oh honey you’re doing such a good job with the little one she’s so healthy and so happy and it was like a pat on the head you know the kind you give a dog for not peeing on the rug and I just wanted to scream I just wanted to smash something because yeah I’m doing a good job I’m doing a GREAT job but it’s not *my* job it’s everyone else’s job I’m just making sure everyone else’s lives run smoothly. Am I the only one who feels like they’re stuck on this treadmill just keeping everything else from falling apart while everyone else is launching themselves into the goddamn stratosphere it's not fair it's really not I love them all I do but sometimes I just want to run away and start over somewhere where nobody knows me where I can just be me for five minutes without someone needing something. I can’t even remember what that feels like. And now I have to get up in three hours for the morning routine and do it all again. Just… again.