I got this secret thing I do... (it’s kinda stupid) I read these books. Philosophy stuff. Not like, the good kind, the church kind. The other kind. I sneak them in the garage, hide them behind the paint cans. My wife, she’d FREAK if she saw them. The kids too. They think I’m all about faith and community, you know, being a LEADER. And I am! Mostly. But then I get these ideas, these thoughts from the books, and they just… stick. Makes church a little harder sometimes. Like my brain is doing two things at once. I worry someone will catch me, like when I accidentally leave a bookmark in one of the "bad" books. (Happened last week, almost had a heart attack.) It feels like a total disconnect. I just want to… not think about it, but it’s always there, humming along.