I just gotta get this out man and it’s like midnight (or later probably) and I’m staring at my screen like the whole thing is gonna crash and burn and I’ve put so much into this revitalization project, this whole thing with the old park and the community garden and trying to get people excited about it all and I’ve been talking it up for MONTHS and getting permits and talking to city council (which is a whole other nightmare let me tell you) and now it’s finally happening and the kickoff event is Saturday and I’m just like… what if NO ONE shows up? And it’s not even about the project really I mean it IS but it’s more like about me and if I can actually DO something worthwhile you know? Like I’ve always been the one to have big ideas and talk a good game and rally people but then the rubber meets the road and it’s like *poof* everyone disappears and I’m left holding the bag and this feels like that all over again. And I’ve sent out flyers and posted on all the neighborhood groups and I’ve got all these little kits ready for people to help clean up the beds and paint the benches and there’s gonna be free food and music and even a bouncy castle for the kids (because you gotta have that, right?) but I just have this sinking feeling in my stomach like I’m going to show up and it’ll just be me and maybe my mom if I beg her hard enough and then what? Like what does that say about me? That I’m not really a leader, that I can’t actually inspire anyone to care about anything, that all those years I spent thinking I could make a difference (and all the money I spent on that grad program that was supposed to teach me how to do exactly this) were just wasted you know and it’s just this big loud echo of every time I’ve felt like I was faking it ‘til I made it and never actually making it and just kinda… faking it forever. And I’m tired of faking it but I don't even know what the alternative IS and I keep telling myself it’s just one event it doesn't define me but it kinda feels like it does and I’m so close to just… pretending I got sick and cancelling the whole thing and just going back to my boring corporate job where no one expects me to be a hero or anything like that and just clocking in and clocking out and doing something that makes zero impact on anyone or anything because at least then I wouldn’t have to face this gut feeling that I’m just not good enough, that I don't have what it takes to actually build something real and lasting and that all my big dreams are just that, dreams and they’re never gonna be anything more than that and it’s just… a lot. C’est la vie, I guess.