I hosted a playdate today. First one, with the baby (obviously). All the neighborhood moms, you know, the ones who look like they stepped out of a catalog, with their artisanal lattes and their kids in sustainable bamboo onesies. I smiled. I kept smiling. Talked about teething remedies and sleep regressions and which local organic CSA was the best (mine, obviously, because I’m a martyr). All while my brain was a fucking NASCAR race. The whole time, I’m watching little Liam from next door, cute kid, but he’s heading for the kitchen island. That’s a sharp corner. One wrong move. Splat. Brain bleed. Permanent damage. Mine. All mine. Why is no one else seeing this? And then Sarah’s kid, little Luna, she’s crawling towards the power strip behind the couch. OPEN OUTLETS. Like, a hundred tiny hands just waiting to get electrocuted. And the dog bowl. Full of water. Drowning hazard. Choking hazard. GERMS. My dog, who is basically family, but suddenly he’s a biohazard. I swear, I saw one of them eye my antique porcelain vase on the mantel. My great-grandmother’s vase. One shatter. One sharp shard. Artery. Done. Game over. I was literally picturing myself sprinting across the room, diving over the coffee table (which, by the way, has a glass top – another hazard), to intercept a child from certain doom. (Why did I ever buy so much glass furniture? What was I thinking?) And they’re all just CHATTING. Laughing. Sipping their kombucha. Like the world isn't about to END in a series of tiny, preventable, horrifying accidents. And I’m there, nodding, laughing, making sure my kid isn't gnawing on a loose electrical cord (yes, I checked, AGAIN), while simultaneously mentally mapping escape routes, first aid stations, and calling 911 in my head. I swear I aged ten years in two hours. And then they all left, thanking me for a "lovely afternoon." Lovely. Ha. I just spent two hours preventing multiple small-scale apocalypses while pretending to care about the best brand of reusable diaper. What a joke. What a fucking joke. And tomorrow, I get to do it all again, just with fewer witnesses.