i just... idk what to do with this feeling. it’s stupid but it’s been bugging me for weeks. so the bride, my friend, like my GOOD friend, we’re doing a dress fitting and she's trying on the actual wedding dress and we’re all there, the other bridesmaids, her sister. and she’s joking, right, like she always does. and she makes this crack about my arms, about how i must be ‘training for the olympics’ or something, like, my arms are ‘getting so buff’ and then she laughed. and everyone else laughed. and i laughed. i did. i really did. a full-on, head-back laugh. but inside, man. inside it felt like this really hot, heavy thing just bloomed in my chest. like a super heated metal flower just opening up in my ribs. and i could feel my face getting warm but i kept laughing. i just kept laughing. every single day, every day since then, i replay that moment. every time i see her or talk to her. it’s there. and it’s not a big deal, right? it’s a joke. we’ve always joked. that’s our dynamic. but this felt different. like a... a microaggression? no, that’s not right. it was direct. an overt slight? but it was couched in humor. and the fact that i just *laughed*. i’m usually so quick with a comeback, especially with her. we have this whole witty repartee thing. but i just blanked. i went completely blank. and the heat. it was so intense. it wasn’t anger though. it was more like... shame? embarrassment? but about *what*? my arms? i work out. i’m strong. i’m a student, i’m in my early thirties, i’m supposed to have my shit together, understand basic human interactions. but this? this one tiny interaction? it feels like a data point i can’t reconcile. it doesn’t fit the established psychological framework of our friendship. it’s a confounding variable. i keep thinking about it when i’m supposed to be studying for my stats final. i just zone out, staring at the textbook, and then i’m back in that dress shop. seeing her face, seeing everyone else laughing. and me. laughing along. what even IS that? what is that response? it’s like a cognitive dissonance but not even that. it’s like my internal self and external self completely disconnected and i just went on autopilot. and it makes me feel... really small. and i don't understand why something so little can feel so... significant. like a betrayal, almost. but of who? her? me? it's exhausting.