I'm sitting here and it's 2 in the morning and my eyes feel like someone rubbed sand in them. I got these three huge folders on my desk and they look like monsters in the dark. Mr. Henderson asked me on Friday if I could "help out" with the weekend load and I just froze. He looked at me with those sharp eyes and for a second he looked just like my dad when the house wasnt clean enough. I felt my chest get all tight and I said YES SIR before I could even think. I hate myself for it. I realy do. It was right at 4:30. Everyone was packing up and talking about going to that bar down the street or seeing a movie and I was just trying to finish my regular stuff. Henderson came over and leaned on my cubicle wall. He didn't even ask nice. He just had this look like he expected me to fail him. Like he was waiting for me to be a disappointment. I could feel my face getting hot and I just wanted to hide under the desk. He said the reports for the Q3 engagement were behind and he needed them by Monday morning. Three of them. Full data sets. My dad used to make us stand at attention if we forgot to do the dishes or if we got a B on a test. He'd say that a man is only as good as his word and his work. If you say you can do it then you better DIE doing it. So when Henderson stood there I didnt see a manager I saw a commanding officer. I didn't see a job I saw a mission. I just nodded and took the files. They felt so heavy. Like lead. I saw him smile a little bit but it wasnt a nice smile. It was like he knew he owned me for the next forty-eight hours. I brought them home and my mom asked if I wanted to go to the lake with the family. I had to tell her no. I had to sit in my room with the door shut and listen to them laughing while they loaded the car. I felt like a loser. A total fake. I'm only seventeen and I'm playing this game like I'm some big shot professional but I'm just a kid who's scared of getting yelled at. I spent six hours today just staring at the first spreadsheet. The numbers started blurring together and I kept seeing my dad's face in the cells. I tried to do the SEO stuff first because that’s what I’m supposed to be good at. But my brain is just mush. I kept typing the same words over and over. I feel like I'm drowning in all this marketing garbage. Who cares about click-thru rates when you feel like your soul is leaking out of your ears? I just kept thinking about how Henderson would look at me if I said I couldn't do it. That little sigh he does. That way he turns away like you're not even there anymore. It kills me. It literally kills me inside. I missed my brothers soccer game today too. He called me and asked where I was and I had to lie. I told him the office needed me. I sounded so proud of it but I was crying while I said it. I’m a coward. I’m such a huge coward. I’d rather miss my brothers big game than have a man I barely know think I’m lazy. Dad always said lazy was the worst thing you could be. Worse than a thief or a liar. So I stayed in my chair until my legs went numb. The shame is the worst part. It's like a big cold ball in my stomach. I'm ashamed that I'm working and I'm ashamed that I'm NOT working fast enough. I’m ashamed that I’m even writing this instead of finishing the second project. I keep thinking about what would happen if I just didn't do it. If I just went to sleep and showed up Monday and said sorry. But I can't. I physicaly can't do it. My hands won't let me. They just keep typing. I saw a picture on insta of the guys from school at the bonfire tonight. They looked so happy. Just being kids. I don't know how to be a kid. I think I forgot. Or maybe I never knew. I feel like I’ve been an old man since I was ten years old. Everyone thinks I’m so "disciplined" and "focused" but I’m just terrified. I’m terrified of the moment someone realizes I’m not perfect. That I’m just a mess. My desk is covered in empty soda cans and it smells like sweat in here. I have to finish this. If I don't finish it then Henderson will know. He’ll tell my dad or he’ll tell the big boss and then everyone will see. They’ll see that I’m just a scared little boy playing dress up in a tie. I have to be the best. I have to be the one who never says no. Even if it breaks me. And I think I'm breaking. I think I'm already broken and I'm just trying to glue the pieces together with these stupid spreadsheets. My head hurts so bad. The light from the screen is like a needle in my brain. I got two more to go. I'm gonna be up all night and then I gotta go to church with mom in the morning and pretend I'm fine. I'm gonna sit there in the pew and pray that I don't fall asleep. I don't even know what I'm praying for anymore. I just want it to stop. I just want to be able to say NO and not feel like I'm gonna die from the guilt. But I won't. I'll finish them. I'll be there Monday at 8am with a smile on my face. And I'll hate every single second of it...