I am sitting here and the light from the computer is like a white hot needle poking right into my brain. It is 2 AM and the air in this room feels thick and dusty like I am breathing in old blankets. My eyes are all scratchy and red and I can hear the hum of the fridge in the kitchen sounding like a growl. I got this project due in five hours and it is the BIGGEST thing that has ever happened to me. It is for these new houses that are supposed to be "sustainable" which just means they have a bunch of grass on the roof and fancy windows so rich people can feel like they are saving the trees. If I finish this right then I am set. I wont have to worry about the rent or the way my mom looks at the electric bill like it is a bomb about to go off. But I am not doing the work. I am just... I am not doing it. The blueprints are open on the screen and all the lines look like a big mess of spider webs. Every time I try to move one line or fix the stairs it feels like my heart is going to jump out of my throat and hit the wall. It is too much. The whole world feels like it is leaning on my shoulders and I am just this tiny piece of glass that is about to CRACK. So instead of fixing the drawings I have been sitting here for four hours just clicking. Click. Click. Click. I am making new folders on the computer and naming them perfectly. I am moving every single photo and every single note into these little boxes so everything looks clean. I renamed all the files. I made them say ARCHIVE_2023 and SITE_PHOTOS_FINAL and I used the same font for everything. It is so STUPID. I am moving papers around while the house is on fire. I know I am doing it and I hate myself so much that I want to throw this laptop out the window and just keep running until I hit the ocean. My hands are shaking on the mouse. Every time I make a new folder it feels like I am actually doing something but I know I am just lying to myself. It is like when my dad used to polish his work boots for two hours even though he just lost his job. Just making things look shiny because the inside is all rotted out. I keep thinking about the meeting tomorrow. My boss is going to walk in with his expensive coffee and his soft hands and he is going to ask to see the progress. He is going to look at the screen and see a bunch of empty folders that look real nice and he is going to see that the actual house is still just a bunch of half-finished lines. I can already feel the heat crawling up my neck. It is that hot, itchy feeling when you get caught stealing candy or when the teacher calls on you and your mind is just a blank white wall. I am going to look like such a fucking failure. People like me arent supposed to be here anyway. I grew up in a house where we used the oven to keep the kitchen warm in the winter because the heater was busted. I worked three jobs to get through school and now I am finally in the big room with the big windows and I am RUINING it. I am literally clicking my life away because I am too scared to draw a fucking wall. The shame is like a big heavy stone sitting on my chest and it makes it hard to swallow. I want to scream but the house is too quiet and I dont want to wake up the neighbors. I just moved another ten files into a folder called REFERENCES. My brain is telling me to STOP and just open the blueprint and fix the roof but my hand just keeps clicking. It is like my body isnt mine anymore. I am just a ghost watching some idiot sort through digital trash while her whole life falls apart. The clock on the corner of the screen feels like a heart beating. 2:14. 2:15. Every minute is a punch in the gut. I am so tired but if I close my eyes I just see those spider web lines and the look on my moms face when I tell her I lost the good job. I am just going to keep clicking. I am going to make the folders perfect until the sun comes up and everyone finds out I am a fraud.