i've been doing this for months now and it's starting to feel like a second job only without the paychecks obviously which is the whole fucking point isn't it. i got laid off from that tech gig back in february and instead of telling anyone i just... kept going. like i still post those stupid productivity threads on linkedin you know '5 ways to optimize your morning routine' or 'the future of AI in content creation' complete with a little stock photo of some grinning fucker at a whiteboard. my old colleagues still comment like 'great insights!' or 'so true!' and i just hit like and feel this cold pit in my stomach that they have no goddamn idea i'm actually sitting in my pajamas watching netflix and panicking about how to pay next month's tuition. i mean i'm an old man for fucks sake. this wasn't supposed to be my life. i thought i'd be retired tending my roses or something not scrambling to finish a philosophy paper and pretending i'm still a hotshot in tech. the worst part is my friends. they still ask about work like 'how's things at company x?' and i just make up some bullshit about a big project or a new client and they just nod you know. they think i'm still grinding away and i just let them. what am i supposed to say? 'oh yeah i got canned and now i'm a broke student trying to figure out if i can afford ramen for dinner'? no thanks. it’s easier to just keep up the charade. i mean it’s exhausting as hell and i feel like a total fraud but the alternative is... worse. the shame would kill me. the thought of them looking at me with pity or like i'm some kind of failure after all these years of busting my ass and acting like i had my shit together. it’s too much. i even get DMs sometimes from people asking for career advice or if i know of any openings. and i just type out this professional sounding response like 'i'm happy to connect you with my network' when my network is basically just a bunch of people who think i'm still gainfully employed and crushing it. it's a fucking house of cards this whole thing. one wrong move and it all comes crashing down. and then what. i don't even know what i'd do. maybe i'd just disappear. start a new life as a hermit or something. probably still post linkedin updates from my cave though knowing me. old habits die hard i guess. this whole thing just makes me tired. really really tired.