i know this is stupid but i guess i just needed to write it down somewhere it’s not a big deal really i mean not compared to some of the things i’ve seen or done but it’s just sitting heavy with me tonight like a physical weight in my chest i’m 59 this year and i’m back at university for some reason god knows why i guess it’s a way to feel useful or maybe just to fill the time after the service it’s hard sometimes civilian life is just so different the way people talk the things they worry about today was a group project meeting for some class i can’t even remember the name of and i just spent the whole afternoon trying to get these kids to stop bickering over something so trivial like who was going to make the powerpoint slides or something just endless back and forth he said she said it was like being back in a barracks trying to sort out two privates over a stolen candy bar only these are supposed to be adults almost i just sat there trying to keep the peace trying to make sure everyone felt heard and that nothing escalated i kept thinking about some of the real arguments i’ve had to break up the real anger the real fear in people’s eyes and this was just so… soft so inconsequential but i still gave it my all i put in the effort to make sure these kids could actually get their work done without tearing each other apart and by the time it was over i was just completely drained i felt like i’d run a marathon or stood guard for twelve hours straight my head just a dull ache my eyes gritty then the phone rang and it was my mother and i just couldn’t bring myself to answer it i know that sounds awful it’s my mother she worries and i usually always answer but i just stared at the screen and let it ring and ring until it stopped and i didn’t even feel bad at first just empty i just needed silence and i knew she would want to talk for a long time about her day about her doctors about my brother it’s just too much tonight and now hours later it’s still bothering me that i let it go to voicemail that i couldn’t be bothered to talk to my own mother after i spent all that energy on strangers who don’t even care about me i just want to know if that makes me a bad person or just tired i don’t know i feel like i should have done better after everything i’ve learned about duty and responsibility but i just couldn’t do it