i just let the phone ring it’s my mother i know it is and i just let it ring and ring and now it’s gone silent and i feel like a coward like a disobedient private on guard duty letting his post be overrun by some phantom enemy i should just call her back shouldn’t i is that normal to just ignore your own mother after all she’s done for me what kind of man does that i spent the whole afternoon trying to keep the peace between these kids in my group project it’s mandatory this stupid capstone thing before i can even think about retiring it’s supposed to be about leadership you know but it just feels like babysitting one kid wanted to do a historical analysis of something or other and another was obsessed with some abstract art installation and a third just stared at their phone the whole time refusing to engage i swear i felt like a drill sergeant trying to get them to just agree on a damn topic we were in one of those study rooms in the library with the glass walls everyone could see us in there like animals in a zoo i could hear the hum of the air conditioning and the constant shush of people walking past and all i could think about was how much i wanted to be somewhere else anywhere else but stuck in that little glass box with these three arguing children one of them kept sighing really loud every time someone else spoke another kept interrupting with “yeah but” every other sentence it was like a slow torture i swear it was i tried my best i did i really did i suggested we go around the table and each person state their idea clearly without interruption and then we could vote on the best one it sounded like a good plan a fair plan a MILITARY plan if you will but no the kid with the phone just mumbled something about not caring and the abstract art one just started talking about the deeper meaning of their concept ignoring everything i’d just said it was like talking to a wall a very self-absorbed wall i used to be able to handle this kind of friction in the service you learn to deal with all sorts of personalities you learn to bark orders and expect them to be followed but civilian life it’s different here you have to coax you have to cajole you have to… mediate i guess i’m just not built for it anymore or maybe i never was maybe i was always just good at following orders not giving them and certainly not trying to get three twenty-year-olds to agree on a damn powerpoint presentation by the time it was over five hours of this mind numbing back and forth i felt completely drained like someone had taken a vacuum cleaner to my brain and sucked out every last thought i just wanted to go home and sit in silence not even read or watch tv just sit i didn’t even want to eat dinner and then the phone rang and i saw her name come up and my heart just sank into my stomach is that wrong to feel that way about your own mother i know she just wants to check in to make sure i ate to ask about my day you know the usual mom stuff and i know i should pick up i always do but tonight i just couldn’t i couldn’t make my mouth form the words to pretend i had a productive day or to sound interested in her neighbor’s new dog i just don’t have it in me tonight there’s nothing left to give nothing at all i’ve been thinking a lot about what i’m going to leave behind when i’m gone you know like what will my legacy be will it just be a guy who spent five hours trying to get three college kids to agree on a project theme or someone who just let his mother’s phone call go to voicemail i used to think i had a purpose a real purpose but now i just feel like i’m drifting like i’m waiting for the next thing to happen rather than making anything happen myself is that what getting old is does everyone feel this empty sometimes i should probably just go to bed it’s late and i have an early class tomorrow but i can’t stop thinking about that ringing phone and how i just let it go silent and now i feel worse than i did before is this what it feels like to be a bad son i don’t know i just don’t know