ok so like this is maybe a weird thing to say and i don't know if anyone else like gets this feeling or if i'm just being totally stupid and dramatic but like i feel so bad all the time and it's because of what i DO if that makes sense? like i'm still in school obviously i'm only 16 but i do these little jobs sometimes after school and i'm pretty good at drawing and like making things look pretty and stuff and my teachers always say i'm really creative and i should go to art school but my mom is always like no you have to get a real job with money so i've been doing these little ads for local stores and stuff like trying to make their stuff look really good and like fancy and my mom is SO proud and tells everyone and it's nice cause we don't have a lot of money so it helps out but like deep down i just feel like a TOTAL hypocrite and it's eating me alive. cause like i spend all day trying to make some stupid fancy candle or like a really expensive shirt look like it's the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER and like you *have* to buy it or your life won't be complete and i'll draw these really pretty pictures of people like laughing and all happy because they have this thing and it just feels so fake and wrong. and then i go home and i see all these videos about like climate change and the earth dying and all this plastic everywhere and it just makes me feel sick you know? like i'm literally making it WORSE i'm telling people to buy more stuff they don't need and it's probably just gonna end up in a landfill anyway and it's like a really expensive landfill and i'm helping make it bigger and like sometimes i just wanna laugh cause it's so messed up like i'm basically an eco-villain but my art teacher says i'm an artist with a sensitive soul lol. but it's not even funny it just makes my stomach hurt. and i don't know if i can stop either cause my mom really needs the money and she keeps saying how talented i am and like i'm helping the family and i don't wanna let her down and it's kinda cool seeing my drawings on posters sometimes even though i hate what they're saying and it's like a really good way to practice my drawing but it's for the WRONG THING. am i like a really bad person for this? like i'm literally contributing to the problem but i can't really say no cause then what do we do for money? and like who cares what a sixteen-year-old thinks anyway probably no one but i just feel like i'm gonna explode thinking about it. i just wish i could make pretty things for like... better things.