ugh here i go again prob gonna delete this later no one cares anyways but like... i just cant anymore. its 2am and im supposed to be writing this stupid paper on... idk something about supply chains but all i can think about is like, what am i even DOING. im in my fifties you guys, FIFTY, and im back in school tryna get some stupid degree cause my kids are grown and my mom keeps asking if im gonna "find myself" or whatever. she thinks its cute. it's NOT cute. im just tired. and the worst part, like the REAL worst part, is my job. im an ad exec. fancy title, right? sounds important. but what i actually do all day is make people want stuff they DONT need. like, really expensive stuff. designer bags, fancy jewelry, cars that cost more than my first house. and im good at it. TOO good. i come up with these catchy little slogans and everyone's like "OMG that's BRILLIANT jane!" (not my real name obvs). but then i go home and im like, what if all i'm doing is making everything worse? all that plastic, all that waste, all those resources to make stuff no one actually needs. my brain just goes there you know? and then i get this email from my prof about "sustainable practices" and im just staring at it like a deer in headlights. how am i supposed to write about that when my WHOLE JOB is literally the opposite? i feel like such a hypocrite. sometimes i just wanna scream it all out, like HEY EVERYONE BUY LESS STUFF. but then i think about my mortgage, and my mom's doctor bills, and like... what would i even DO instead? learn to knit sweaters from recycled plastic bottles? i just... idk. the thought of someone finding out, someone AT WORK, that i actually think all the stuff im selling is destroying everything... i'd be toast. so yeah. just me and my dumb laptop, pretending to care about market trends while really just wanting to cry into my cold coffee. i should prob try to sleep. but i wont.