okay so like this is really stupid but I gotta get it out like I cant sleep and it's almost three in the morning and my phone battery is like at 14 percent so i gotta type fast but this thing is like really eating at me and i dont know who to tell because everyone here knows everyone else's business before they even do you know like miss jenna down at the quick mart knows what brand of cereal you bought last thursday and why your aunt betty just painted her porch lime green and oh my god this is already too long i need to get to the point before my phone dies. so like it was last year right before christmas and it was my first actual job you know not like helping my uncle on the farm or whatever but a REAL job at the gas station over on county road eight the one with the broken sign where the L kept flickering anyway mr henderson he owns it and he's like a friend of my dad’s and he said i could work saturdays and like two nights a week after school you know to make some money for a car down payment or whatever and i was SO EXCITED it felt like i was finally like doing something important with my life not just stuck here like forever and ever just waiting. and so like i started and there was this girl she was like a year older than me maybe or two i dont know she worked the morning shift and i worked evenings and she was always like super quiet and she like she had this really pretty hair kinda reddish and she always wore these like really old faded band t-shirts and she always like left a little note on the counter for me about like the register or if someone needed something picked up from the back you know just like a little note always really neat handwriting and i started to think like oh maybe she thinks i'm cool or something and like i was trying to act all grown up and like whatever because i was seventeen and i wanted to like IMPRESS her you know. and so like one time i found this like tiny little smudge on the counter near the coffee machine and it was like dried milk or something and i just kinda like i dont know i just got this idea in my head that if i was like really tough and like showed i was in charge or whatever then she'd like really think i was cool you know because everyone here always says i'm too quiet or i let people walk all over me so i decided to be like the opposite and i wrote this BIG note in all caps on a piece of receipt paper and stuck it right where she'd see it like "CLEAN THE COUNTER PROPERLY NEXT TIME IT'S DISGUSTING" and i signed it my name really big and underlined it like i was her BOSS or something and i know it was stupid and i dont know what i was thinking it was just like this weird feeling like i had to prove something. and then like the next morning when i came in for my shift mr henderson was like already there and he had this really like serious look on his face and he was holding my note and he said that the girl her name was emily he said she read it and she just like she started crying and she like told him she thought i was a nice guy and she didnt understand why i was being so MEAN to her and she said she couldn't work there anymore because she hated feeling like that and like she just like quit right there and mr henderson said he had to let me go too because he couldn't have people like making other people cry and quitting and he said he was like really disappointed in me and my dad was too and now i cant even get a job anywhere else because everyone knows and it was like my only chance to like get out of here and i just like i dont even know why i did it it was so stupid and now i just think about her crying all the time and like how much i ruined everything just because i wanted to be like a big shot or something and i just want to like tell her i'm sorry but i dont even know where she lives or if she'd even listen to me anyway and now my phone is at seven percent.