i dont know if this is like a normal thing or if im actually like... losing it or something. its like 2am and im staring at my ceiling which has like a water stain that looks like a giant thumb and i just feel so gross inside. i think maybe i shouldnt even be typing this because what if someone finds out who i am. but i have to say it because if it stays in my head it feels like it’s gonna like melt my brain or something. i dont even know if this counts as a confession but i feel like a total freak and i cant stop shaking. anyway i work at the library after school because my mom says we need the extra money for like... bills and stuff and also because im "good with books" or whatever. it’s usually really quiet which is good because i can just think about my drawings or whatever but sometimes the quiet is like... too much? like it’s a physical weight on my chest. the floors are that weird grey carpet and it smells like old paper and dust and honestly sometimes it smells like people who havent showered in a week. and i just sit there and scan things and pretend im a normal person who doesnt have like weird dark clouds in their head. so today i was helping out at the front desk and i was standing behind this lady who was checking out like five books on gardening or something. she was just a regular lady. she had like a purple sweater and she was being totally fine and nice. she asked me "do you know if these are any good for planting flowers" and i just had to nod and say "yes maam i think so" even though i dont know anything about plants. but for some reason while i was waiting for the computer to stop being slow i just... i had this like image in my head of me just leaning forward and screaming the meanest things i could think of right into her ear. it was like this like... static in my brain. i was just looking at the back of her head and thinking about how easy it would be to just RUIN her day. to just shout every bad word i know and watch her face get all shocked and sad. i felt this weird heat in my throat like i was actually gonna do it. i was imagining calling her a stupid fat cow and a useless hag and just saying things that would make her cry for a week. i dont even know her. she didnt do anything. she was just standing there waiting for her receipt and i was picturing myself just losing it and calling her every name in the book. i was gripping the edge of the counter so hard my knuckles were like white. i felt like i wanted to do it? like it would feel good to just break the quiet with something really ugly and loud. i was shaking and my heart was going like a hundred miles an hour. im literally a monster lol. i could see the little hairs on the back of her neck and i just kept thinking about how one scream would change everything and i’d never have to come back to this stupid quiet place again. and then she just looked back and smiled at me and said "thank you so much dear you have a lovely evening" and i had to smile back like i wasn’t just imagining her crying because of me. i felt so sick. i felt like i was wearing a mask and it was slipping off. my hands were shaking while i handed her the receipt and i think i might have accidentally ripped it a little bit but she didn’t notice. i just kept thinking about how i’m supposed to be the "quiet artist kid" who doesnt cause trouble but inside i’m apparently just full of like... battery acid or something. my mom thinks this job is good for me because it’s "peaceful" and it pays for my sketchbooks and my pens but i feel like a fraud. i sit in my room and try to draw something pretty like a bird or a tree and all i can think about is that lady’s face if i had actually screamed at her. i don’t know why my brain does this. i’m not like... a mean person? i think? but maybe i am. maybe the reason i don’t have many friends isn’t because i’m shy but because i’m actually just a bad person and everyone can sense it like how dogs can smell fear or something. it makes me not want to go back there tomorrow. but i have to because we really need the money for the electric bill this month and my pens are almost dry. i hate that i have to be "professional" when i feel like i’m literally one second away from just snapping and saying something that makes everyone hate me. i feel like i’m holding a balloon that’s about to pop and i’m the only one who can hear it whistling. it’s just... a lot. i don't know. i’m probly just being dramatic or something. that’s what my brother would say. he’d tell me to shut up and go to sleep. but i cant sleep because every time i close my eyes i just hear my own voice shouting those things in that quiet library. i wonder if anyone else feels like this or if i’m just the only one who has a brain that hates them. i think maybe i’m just broken and there isnt a way to fix it. anyway i’m gonna try to stop typing now because my hands are getting sweaty and i feel like i’m gonna throw up. i hope nobody reads this. or maybe i hope someone does so i’m not the only one who knows what i am.