I think maybe I’m losing my mind, or maybe I’m just really bad at being a person. Is it normal to feel like your skin is vibrating? I don't know if this even counts as a confession, but I haven't told anyone because I’m supposed to be the "stable" one in my friend group. The one with the actual benefits and the pension plan and the "calling." God, I hate that word. I spent four years getting a BFA in illustration just to end up standing in a gymnasium at 8:00 AM while two hundred six-year-olds scream at the top of their lungs. This morning during assembly, my hands wouldn't stop shaking. It wasn't even cold in the gym—it was actually stifling, that smell of floor wax and unwashed sweatshirts. I just gripped my clipboard until my knuckles turned white and told myself I just needed more caffeine. Like, if I could just get one more shot of espresso into my system, the trembling would magically stop and I’d suddenly be that Pinterest teacher who has everything under control. I’m currently on cup number four and my heart feels like a hummingbird trapped in a shoebox. Is that a medical thing? Do I have a heart condition or am I just failing at being an adult? I’m leaning toward the latter. My classroom is a disaster. I have thirty-two kids now. Thirty-two. They keep adding desks and I’m pretty sure I’m breaking some kind of fire code, but I don't say anything because I need this paycheck to pay off the credit card I used for art supplies three years ago. I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to spend my days painting in a studio, not wiping glue off a radiator or explaining for the tenth time why we don’t lick our classmates. I feel so bitter about it that it actually hurts my chest. Is it pathetic to be jealous of people who get to be creative for a living? Probably. I’m definitely pathetic. I'm just so ANGRY all the time now. I’m angry at the principal for smiling and telling us we’re "superheroes" while she cuts our lunch break by ten minutes. I’m angry at my boyfriend because he keeps asking if I’ve "tried to relax" after work. Relax? I have thirty-two sets of eyes judging me every day and a mountain of grading that makes me want to scream into a pillow. But mostly I’m just mad at myself for being so weak. It’s just teaching, right? Millions of people do it. Why am I the one who can’t hold a pen straight without my fingers twitching like I’m having some kind of minor breakdown? It’s 2:00 AM and I’m staring at a pile of half-finished lesson plans and an empty bag of Cheetos. I have to be up in four hours to do it all over again. I should probably sleep, but every time I close my eyes, I just see the faces of those kids and the fluorescent lights and I feel that buzzing under my skin again. I don't think more coffee is going to fix this, but I'll probably drink it anyway because what else am I supposed to do? Quit and go back to waitressing while I try to sell prints on Etsy? I'm trapped. I’m just really, really trapped and I think I might be starting to hate the person I’m becoming. Is that weird? Does everyone feel like they’re just pretending until they eventually snap? I don't know... I'm just tired.