I saw this thing happen today at my internship and it's been bugging me all night like seriously bugging me even tho I'm supposed to be asleep cuz I have school tomorrow but I just keep thinking about it. So I'm just a intern right like I get coffee and make copies and try not to mess anything up and it's kinda cool cuz I wanna be an architect too eventually but it's like SO much harder than I thought it would be. Anyway there's this one coworker, not like a real architect yet but kinda like one, she's always really stressed and quiet, and she got called into the boss's office for like a super long time and everyone was kinda whispering about it cuz he's known for being like, really intense. I heard him yelling a bit like through the door. And then she came out and went straight to her desk and just kinda put her head down. And I was like sorting papers or something near her and I could totally hear her like, sniffing. And then full on quiet sobbing, like trying really hard not to make noise but you could tell she was just breaking down. Her shoulders were shaking and everything. And I was supposed to like, go give her some printouts or whatever the next thing was but I just kinda froze cuz it was so awkward and like, real sad. I mean I guess it was sad. But here's the messed up part, the thing that's making me write this at 2 am. I didn't feel bad for her. Like AT ALL. Not even a little bit. My first thought, the actual first thing that went through my head was like, "dang, is she gonna be able to finish those plans for the waterfront project by tomorrow?" Which is SO messed up right? Like a human being is literally crying right next to me and I'm thinking about WORK. I was worried about my part in it, like if she fell behind would *I* have to do something extra or stay late. It's so selfish. I just watched her and like, a part of me was almost annoyed cuz she was making noise and it was awkward. And then I kinda started thinking about how like, if she gets fired or quits or whatever, then maybe there'd be an opening for me to do more stuff. Which is even MORE messed up. Like she's clearly having a horrible day, probably like the worst day, and I'm over here thinking about how it could somehow benefit ME. I know that's like a really terrible thing to think. It makes me feel like such a bad person. Like what kind of person doesn't feel anything when someone is clearly suffering? Is there something wrong with me? I always thought I was like, a pretty nice person, you know? But this totally just made me question everything. I keep replaying it in my head, like trying to force myself to feel bad but it just isn't there. Just kinda this cold feeling, like a knot in my stomach but not from sadness, just from like, a weird kinda alertness, you know? Like "what happens next." I just wanna go back to sleep and forget about it but I can't. It's like a secret I'm carrying now, this messed up feeling, and I don't even know what it MEANS. Am I gonna be like that when I'm older? Just not caring about people when I'm stressed or trying to get ahead? It's making me feel kinda sick to my stomach actually. I should probably just delete this whole thing. Whatever.