shit, it’s 2 am again. can’t sleep. big day tomorrow. the wedding. it’s all set up. the hall. the flowers. the caterers. my sister has been a fucking whirlwind. god bless her. my fiancée, she looks so happy. glowing, you know? and I just… I look at her and I feel this… this hollow thing in my chest. like an empty jar. we’re doing the whole shebang. traditional. the vows. the blessings. the whole nine yards. my parents, her parents, they’re so proud. this is what they wanted. what everyone expected. for decades. and I keep thinking about those vows. ‘til death do us part. honor and cherish. sacred words. words I used to believe. like, really believe. deep down in my bones. when I was a kid, a teenager, even my twenties. that was my worldview. no questions. but now… man, I don’t know. it’s just… words. fancy words in a fancy ceremony. feels like a play. and I’m just playing my part. a really big part. the lead. it started slowly, I guess. years ago. little doubts. tiny cracks. saw some shit, read some stuff. you know, the internet. always there. always showing you different ways to look at things. then the hustle, the gigs. barely making rent sometimes. that kind of stress… it makes you question everything. the certainties fade. like trying to hold sand in your fist. I tried to talk about it once. with my buddy, Mike. he just kinda shrugged. said, “everyone fakes it ‘til they make it, man. just get through it.” felt like a punch in the gut, honestly. maybe he’s right. maybe everyone *is* just faking it. but that doesn't make it right. my fiancée. she’s amazing. truly. she deserves someone who believes it all. who means every single word. who isn’t standing there feeling like a goddamn fraud. a hypocrite. that’s the word. been rattling around in my head for weeks. hypocrite. it’s not that I don’t love her. I do. in my own messed-up way. but is it… is it *that* love? the kind the vows talk about? the eternal kind? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know anymore. and that’s what kills me. the thought of saying those words tomorrow. looking into her eyes. everyone watching. parents crying happy tears. and I’ll be smiling. nodding. saying the lines. perfectly. and inside… just this empty echo. this silence. what the fuck am I supposed to do? just go through with it? everyone says it’s normal to have cold feet. this ain’t cold feet. this is like… my soul is on ice. melting. slowly. can’t back out now. no way. the money. the families. the whole thing would just… explode. devastate everyone. especially her. she doesn’t deserve that. so I’ll put on the suit. I’ll stand there. I’ll say "I do." and I'll probably spend the rest of my life wondering if I made the biggest mistake of all. pretending. pretending to be someone I'm not. for everyone else.