i just spent like four hours minimum arguing on some random forum defending this pop idol and now it’s 2 am and i’m like… why. like why did i do that. i’m a junior in high school i have a calc test tomorrow that i barely studied for and a whole college essay draft that’s due by friday but instead i was explaining to internet strangers how a musician who has literally never met me is a lyrical genius and why their specific vocal register is OBJECTIVELY superior to some other artist. i literally felt my heart POUNDING when someone said her latest album was just 'okay' like they personally insulted my family. my hands were shaking. it was almost like a compulsion. i remember thinking okay one more comment then i’m done but then someone would post something so unbelievably ignorant and i’d be typing out a whole treatise on music theory and semiotics at 1:37 am completely unprompted. i even like… screenshot a few of the worse comments just so i could go back later and formulate an even stronger rebuttal. it felt so PERSONAL. like i had to defend her honor or something. i actually started reading some of the fan theories about like… the hidden meanings in her music videos and i got so sucked in. it’s not even just about the music anymore it’s the whole parasocial dynamic i think. it’s actually kind of unsettling how much i internalize criticism against her. i’m supposed to be like… applying for internships soon. my parents keep asking me about career paths and if i’m thinking about grad school and i’m out here having an almost cathartic experience defending a celebrity’s artistic integrity to people with anime profile pictures. i just don’t get it. this isn’t even my favorite genre of music i just happened to listen to one of her songs like last year and now i’m like… an unofficial publicist. like what is this behavior. is there a term for this specific brand of delusion. i feel like i lost a piece of myself in that comment section tonight and i can’t even articulate why it felt so important. just exhausted now. and my calc textbook is still sitting there mocking me.